So, as some of you will be aware, I was rather excited to go to the pub last night as I had so much pent up excitement from Thursday’s failure. It started off a bit shit as Jeff (boyfriend) told me to be there at 9.30pm, then when I rang him he said 10pm. Now, this in itself would have been fine, although a tad annoying that I had to ring him and find out he was late- shouldn’t he have told me? Anyway, I didn’t trust that he would be there at 10 so I arrived for 10.30. He still wasn’t bloody there. I was not impressed!

We made up quite quickly though and it was actually a pretty good night, it was just me and the guys so it was very chilled and nice as there is never really any drama with them. I may have had a bit too much to drink as when me and Jeff were walking I was starting to feel rather sick. We were close to his mums and she’s away so we decided to stay there for the night, wow, I nearly threw up AGAIN! Anyway, we had pizza and basically passed out spooning in his bed.

I was so confused when the alarm went off, I had completely forgotten that he was doing work for his dad today and so would be being picked up at 10am! He got dressed and everything good, we cuddled and he left. I stayed in bed a while- it was way too early to get up.

When I did finally decide to go home I cleaned up his room a bit and got my stuff together.

So, as normal I go to the door…and I can’t fucking open it. This rather confused me, I mean, was I just being stupid? Was the lock broken? What the fuck was going on?

I decided to ring Jeff even though I was rather embarrassed I couldn’t open the door of a house I had been in hundreds of times…it turns out he didn’t realise that his brother had double locked the door not realising I was there. Now, I’ve lost my key to that house and Jeff is currently using the spare one. I couldn’t climb through a window as they wanted them all locked because no one would be around for a while. I was basically trapped!

Jeff, my hero, came to get me pretty quickly though and let me out into freedom! Exaggeration I know but I wasn’t feeling too great and just wanted to get home!

Now, this episode of me being locked in got me thinking about other incidents of a Grace in captivity…

The most recent one occured only a few weeks ago. One of my friends was having a house party ( good night, alcohol, standard, whatever), anyway, towards the end me and Jeff were sitting at the end of her garden just having a chat. Suddenly we realise that there is no one outside or inside the house. We assume the door will be open so carry on chatting for a bit. All of a sudden we see my friends brother come down and lock the back door, in our drunken state we, for some reason or other, decided to hide instead of running up the garden and getting let in. I didn’t have a phone at this point as I had lost it clubbing a few days before and Jeff’s phone was dead so we couldn’t ring anyone. We decided that climbing was the only way! We pulled ourselves onto her greenhouse, onto the garage, then there was a gap we kind of stretched over to go on and got onto the roof. We had to shimy down and jump! Jeff cut up his hands and my legs were hurting immensly. We began to walk home and literally almost immediately ran into the girl who’s party it was (she was dropping a drunk friend home)! She said she left them as her brother had said he thought there were people in the garden…WHY LOCK THE DOOR AND NOT EVEN BOTHER CHECKING THEN?!

The other incident is one which happened at university. I was visiting Jeff at his and we went out to the Student Union on a night out, we ended up getting into a drunken meaningless row, Jeff snapped his flip phone in half and I ripped my dress. Anyway, we went back to his and the argument continued. It got a bit heated and he stormed out of the room and slammed the door. I stayed in the room cooling off for a while but then decided to go after him. I stood up and tried to open the door, it didn’t open. I was confused as the lock is on the inside so I didn’t understand what was going on- I decided I was just drunk and being an idiot and figured I didn’t have time to faff around with the door so decided to climb out of the window (now, Jeff is on the first floor which is obviously a blessing, however, he has those windows you can’t open properly, you know the ones with the safety locks so it was a massive hassle getting out but because I was so drunk it didn’t really hurt that much)! Anyway, I managed to escape and soon found him. We made up and went back to his room, I explained what had happened and he said I probably was indeed just being silly so he went to try the door as he had the key. It didn’t work. We were tired, wet and cold so decided to just go through the window and sort it out tomorrow. I climbed in first and it was bloody painful as going in at the angle I got out was a lot trickier. Jeff tried to follow me but was unsuccessful! He said he would just stay as his friend’s room in the next block and went there. I got into bed but decided that I would only worry as we’d argued and wake up ridiculously early and bother both him and his friend. I climbed out, found him in his friend’s room and convinced him to try getting in again. He took of his trousers as they were pretty bulky and tried climbing in, luckily a guy walked past who helped us. Jeff’s underwear was coming off as he slithered in but finally he was in the room! We went to bed.

In the morning we had sobered up and tried the door again. No luck. Jeff’s phone was snapped in half as you remember and I didn’t have one. It was also a Saturday so there wasn’t as many people on duty at the university.We were so hungry and asked people who lived near Jeff, through Facebook, to bring us food. We borrowed a phone and tried to ring locksmiths. We missed the catered dinner and saying goodbye to people as we were leaving for the summer the next day. It took three locksmiths to finally unlock the door.

During the day I had got so many scrapes from climbing out for noodles.But the worst part of this story is still to come. THE TOILET ISSUE. See, I could climb out and there was a sink in the room, but sober it was too painful for Jeff to try to climb out and as the day progressed he needed to go to the bathroom more and more. This trip did not entail anything which could be done in a sink. Yes, Jeff desperately needed a shit. Now, the next part of this story is disgusting in so many ways so I would not blame anyone for fucking off right now- I personally don’t even know how I am going to manage to type this out. The whole needing the toilet thing got too much and Jeff literally HAD to go, this was when we knew we HAD to make a realistic plan.

There was not anything else we could do I promise you, this would have been avoided at all costs. Jeff found a plastic bag which didn’t have any holes in it and said this was the only way and that he would throw it out of the window after. Now, his university room is absolutely tiny so there was literally no where for me to hide but in the closet. I hid in there as Jeff manufactured a toilet out of a recycle bin and a plastic bag. Yes, I heard all of it. Half way through I even heard him say

‘Well, might as well piss in here as well’

I thought it was safe after a while and popped my head out only to see Jeff, bottomless, walking towards the sink carrying a bag full of shit and piss. He thought that now it was slightly diluted it would go down the sink. He was wrong. Luckily he only tried that with some (I was back in the cupboard during this by the way, I wasn’t casually watching him) and the rest stayed in the bag.

Jeff threw the bag out, but, as I have mentioned the windows don’t open wide at all so he couldn’t get a good swing so it didn’t land far away at all. Jeff also had to sort out the sink. He also decided to use the cover suits we wore the night before (it was a paint party they were to protect people’s clothes) to wipe (he forgot to take that out till later that night). Finally the ordeal was over. We sat in silence for quite a while after that.

Now, I feel I have probably disgusted everyone enough I shall end this post with the moral of ‘Do not slam doors and for God’s sake, always have an alternative way out!’

Grace x

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