Christmas is over Wednesday, Dec 26 2012 

I enjoyed the first cigarette today when I got back home from my nans house. They know I smoke and they smoke yet I don’t feel comfortable smoking there.

Kind of like sex…people know it happens but it isn’t mentioned.

Christmas was okay but I just wanted to get home, it seems that a lot of Christmas sentiments are made up really, it doesn’t feel like what happens is real. It doesn’t seem like anyone really wants to be there all that much and everyone just wants to get back to their respective houses. I think my family have branched into their own families and that’s where they really want to be.

Christmas was a lot better when I was younger. Now it’s filled with unsaid tensions.

I’m glad it’s done now and I can look forward to New Years Eve. That feels more real. That’s done with friends and it’s clear that if you’re invited people want you there, you’re not going to get an invite to a New Year’s Eve party out of some sort of family loyalty.

I don’t know if the whole argument with my boyfriend has blown over.

It wasn’t too bad this year but I am so glad Christmas is over

Grace x

Explosion Monday, Dec 24 2012 

Yesterday me and some friends went to a pub, my boyfriend was amongst the group that went.

He had made a pub quiz for us all to do and when the pub closed decided to carry on doing it outside.

I was freezing and made a fuss about us just going home as I hadn’t slept the night before; was ridiculously cold; and just believed the night was over.

He still continued with the quiz and insisted I stayed when I tried to leave even thought I said he could just come home after me.

Anyway, we walked home in complete silence with me putting my headphones on.

When we got home he gave me a kiss on the head and said bye- apparently he was going to his dads.

He walked off and after having a little cry on the street I followed him.
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I think the above picture is the only way to describe what happened next…

He completely exploded about me always wanting to get my own way and being weird about him being friends with girls. He then refused to come back to mine.

It was a truly horrific night with a lot of crying and I genuinely thought we were breaking up.

Finally, he came back home.

I was so tired and a bit drunk and kept falling asleep and thinking of Pokemon during the conversation.

We fought about me not liking him being friends with girls and I said I got jealous of any girl spending more time with him than I do- he said no girl does. I said I didn’t like the way some of his friendships were.

The argument ended for him in me saying I would chill about girls and wouldn’t be so pushy.

I think this is definitely one of the most horrific arguments we’ve had.

We went to Christmas lunch at his and he says everything is fine and we’re okay and he loves me. I worry that he’ll change his mind.

I hate that I don’t get to see him till the day after Boxing Day- consequently that is also his birthday.

I’m guessing this Christmas isn’t going to be particularly great.

Grace x

Self-confessed Scrooge Sunday, Dec 23 2012 

scrooge

I hate do not like Christmas. I origionally thought I would go for hate, but that just seemed a bit too drastic to carry through. However, this does not change the fact that I do not like Christmas. Now, as anti-happy as this may sound, I have decided to devise a list of why I am not a fan of this holiday…

1) Pressure: So much pressure to be in a perfect family and have the perfect day with the perfect dinner and for everyone to get perfect presents…seriously? We are constantly told not too put unrealistic expectations on things, however, expecting the perfect Christmas is apparently acceptable?

2) Family: Okay, this may sounds awful…but I get bored. There, I’ve said it. I get bored. I mean, no one wants to exactly hear your stories from nights out and there is never anyone my age at these gatherings so I am a bit stumped for conversation which goes beyond ‘university is going well’

3) Presents: The line for who to get presents for and who not to get presents for is very thin. You can be considered stingy for not giving a present or you can be considered a bit odd for giving someone a present. Also, giving presents to family…they gave you that money for christs sake!

4) Drinking: Apparently everyone seems to think that after 1 glass of wine I will be off my rocker… If that was true I would be so much richer as the expense of going out would be drastically reduced!

5) Smoking: This ones probably my fault because I refuse to admit I smoke…but still, no ciggarette for two days, plus the stress of Christmas…OH DEAR GOD!

6) Agruments: Inevitable

I don’t know, I guess I just think there is too much pressure put on Christmas as it just seems like everyone is being fake on the actual day. Also, what is with the whole month of December being like Christmas? I mean, television shows, radio, supermarkers, adverts…there is simply no escape!

Also, I don’t get to see my boyfriend.

Hmm…I wonder how long into Christmas I’ll be itching to change the bit I said about not actually hating Christmas?

Grace x

“What makes your problems bigger than everyone elses?” “They’re mine.” Tuesday, Oct 2 2012 

Yet another brilliant quote from Ally McBeal, that show should really be given for bloggers with writer’s block to watch! Anyway, this quote got me thinking…I mean, essentially, if you think about it, all the problems anyone who is reading this (and hence can get to a computer with an internet connection) really has no problems whatsoever in comparison to about 70% of the world’s population who have real problems, you know, hunger, homelessness ect. Now, even thinking about this it does make so many problems seem pointless and stupid, I mean, I worry about my boyfriend breaking up with me when there are people worrying if their children will come back from digging in gutters for food or plastic to sell. Perspective aye.

On the other hand, I do also believe that everyone’s problems are relative, I mean, for some it’s poverty and for others it’s being rejected for a promotion. I know the two are in no way similar in terms of severity but I do believe that for those who haven’t experienced true problems something like the lack of a promotion could feel like the biggest problem in the world. Essentially, feelings are relative and the thing is, you are the center of your world, hence, I think, your problems do of course seem like something absolutely tragic is happening to you. I think the reality is that you know that your problems aren’t that big in the lager sense of things but because they are yours and are happening to you, do seem like world problems every time.

Well, that’s just my opinion? What does everyone else think about the topic of problems and relativity?

Grace x

I hate my dad sometimes… Wednesday, Sep 26 2012 

I hate that if he has a fucking bad day at work he blames everyone for everything in the house. I hate how he just vents and vents and whatever you say is irrelevant because he is only going to get more angry. I hate how he wants to be controlling and I hate how he can just be nice one minute and horrible the next.

I was just informed that if my little brother, who is nine, was to step on a nail brush I left on the floor he would break his leg. It’s fucking ridiculous. I don’t even live here and I get blamed for everything breaking; for any mess and pretty much everything that is wrong with his life.

I do hate him on days like this. Can he just fuck off so I can actually write a blog about something which isn’t a rant about how pathetic he can be some days.

‘One true measure of a person is how much he or she hurts others.’ Sunday, Sep 23 2012 

I literally just heard this quote on Ally McBeal right now, and it really resonated with me. The fact is, if you’re a good person you will hurt others when you break up with them, move, die etc. It’s odd how the people who are the best often cause the most pain, the most heartache, the most worry. It’s strange how those who are bad and actively seek to hurt people will rarely be able to hurt someone as much as a loved one is able to hurt them. The fact that you have the potential to hurt someone demonstrates your good qualities- it shows that people care for you, perhaps because you’re family, because you’re a good friend or just generally a good person. Funny isn’t it, how those who want to hurt people the least do it the most. Nevertheless, the pain they bring is not of the pointless kind that bad people bring, good people bring the pain that reminds us of their goodness, kindness and love- it is a pain that makes it abundantly clear to us how much we love them and how much they love us.

Grace x

Write, write and just write Saturday, Sep 22 2012 

I was looking for some blogging inspiration when I cam across an article for writer’s block ( http://www.underworldmagazines.com/6-easy-ways-to-overcome-bloggers-block/ ). If you scroll down you will see my title as a sub-heading within the article. It basically states that when in doubt about what to write about, just start writing. This ideology really resonated with me as I thought, hey, yeah, that seems like a truly interesting and honest thing to do. I’m not much of a planner in life and everything seems to be very haphazard around me so I’ve decided to do a bit of a stream of consciousness for this post. It would be really awesome if others commented with their stream of consciousness too!

I’m worried about my rent, I don’t want to ask my dad and it seems that it’s either going to be my boyfriend or my student loan which pays for it. I blew all my money living like a rock star last year, I guess there are going to have to be serious cut backs this year, I’m only worried about visiting my boyfriend, I mean, visiting him is really cheap as he lives 9 minutes away by train but it’s still money you know. I feel sad, I hate change, I hate that I will no longer be living with him, university means change and we have different friends there and people there are hardly going to look out for me. I think my housemates are starting to get angry with me in regards to the rent. What am I supposed to do? I’m trying to get the money as fast as possible. God I hate money. I miss my boyfriend, I hope he comes home soon. I’m hungry and I want tea and a cigarette. Oh wow cigarettes are expensive. How the fuck am I going to afford my boyfriend’s birthday and anniversary present? I wanted to take him on holiday, I love him so much. What do I do? I need more money. I need to find a way to get more money. I hate that I won’t quit smoking, I feel like such a loser. What if I quit and get fat. Oh god I don’t want to get fat.

I’m going to go smoke.

Grace x

Age of consent Saturday, Sep 22 2012 

I have been reading quite a lot on this topic as discussions approach about the UK changing its age of consent from 16 to 14. This topic got me thinking about the age of consent in other countries and how laws may differ worldwide.

I found the website http://www.avert.org/age-of-consent.htm very helpful in my search for worldwide age of consent laws as it literally listed basically every country, their age of consent or if they did not have one. I found that the age of consent worldwide ranges from 12 to 21. This is a difference of nine years which in itself seems rather huge; however, when you consider the massive changes which occur to a person within these nine years the gap seems even larger.

Now, in terms of these ages I think that 12 is an absolutely shocking age to be having sex at. I mean, seriously, people having sex at 12!? I didn’t even so much as kiss a boy until I was 14 and even that was a fucking dare and lasted about a millisecond! It cannot possibly be healthy in any way to begin having sex at 12, I mean, I wasn’t even trusted to go out past about 7 so how on earth could I be trusted to make such an important decision as loosing my virginity. I genuinely think that at 12 you are a child and cannot at all comprehend and understand how to make this kind of decision. Also, at 12 you will not realistically have any strong and lasting feelings for someone you are going to have sex with and sleeping with people you don’t see yourself being with is a much more grown up and complicated issue than something you can deal with at the age of 12!

Whilst on the subject of this ridiculously low age of consent I would also like to make the comment that in Columbia the age of consent is 12 only for girls, yet boys can only have sex at 14. What does this mean? Who would these 12 year old girls be having sex with, boys at least two years older than them (which at that age is a huge age gap)? is it suggesting that girls are more responsible? I really don’t know what to make of this. The only conclusion I can really come to is that in many underdeveloped countries (such as Guatemala and Indonesia- which both also have different ages of consent for boys and girls [Guatemala: 14 for girls and 16 for boys. Indonesia: 16 for girls and 19 for boys], girls are typically expected to get married very early and to an older man who can help provide for her family. Either way, I am completely dumbfounded by this discovery.

On another note, I leant that in some countries the age of consent is only valid if you are married, an example of this is Bahrain which has its age of consent at 15 or the time of marriage. 15, to me personally, also seems to be a very low age to loose ones virginity. Also, the implication that it can be earlier if you marry earlier seems rather scary and filled with images of young girls being married of older men.

However, although I am, to an extent, stating that these ages of consent seem far too low I also discovered some rather unrealistic ideals. For example, may countries state that they simply do not allow sex before marriage, for example: Saudi Arabia and Qatar. Now, whilst I am not going to be a virgin when I get married this does seem to be a lovely idea and I think that if it was upheld by personal desires rather than religious stigma it would be an amazing thing to do. Nevertheless, although these countries are obviously rich in religious views it does seem to be rather idealistic and unrealistic to expect only the married to have sex. I also think it is rather ridiculous to punish consenting adults for having sex simply because they are not married. Personally, in the words of Samantha Jones (‘Sex and the City’ and yes, I know this isn’t exactly the intellectual quote I should be putting in this post): “Before you buy the car, you take it for a test drive!” This, I believe is completely true, both with sex and with living together!

Additionally, countries with the age of consent at the high age of 21, such as Cameroon, also seem rather unfathomable. I mean, yes, I agree that people should wait but I also think that if the age of consent is unrealistically high people will simply ignore it as ‘just one of those laws’, you know, the ones that are there but no one really listens to.

In conclusion, I believe that the age of consent is definitely a very difficult thing to determine: set too low it gives the impression that children having sex is promoted (‘Brave New World’ anyone?), set it too high and it will not be something that people even try to aspire to. The thing is, I do think that essentially it is not the age that a person has sex at that really matters, it’s the reasons why they are having sex. Of course, this does not mean that 12 year olds ‘in love’ should be having sex, I just simply mean that I think that some people mature earlier than others and for some sex at 16 will be the right thing whereas for others the right thing to do will be to wait until 20, 25 or even marriage. At the end of the day, to each is own (apart from 12 year old’s ‘in love’).

Personally, I think that below 16 is a ridiculous age to have sex but that waiting till after marriage is not going to do you any favors as sex is a large part of your relationship with someone.

I would genuinely love any input that anyone has on this matter whatever your views may be.

Grace x

How do you make me feel this way? Monday, Sep 17 2012 

I was just in the bath and my boyfriend managed to absolutely infuriate me- he rang to say he had not found my charger and I said:

“Cool, but you’re having a ten minute chat with me now.”

“No, I’m not.” Came his responce

“Urmm…alright. Why?”

“I’m watching TV.”

Seriously?! Guys…take note: this is not acceptable behavior… especially as I know for a fact he has a pause button and is at his dad’s alone (therefore, he can pause the programme without bothering anyone). Also, even if this wasn’t the case- seriously? You can’t speak to me for ten minutes because you are watching TV?

“Cool, bye” is the answer to that question, it is also what I said to him on the phone.

Now, I didn’t want to get into an argument over this so I left it. Not exactly a massive deal is it?

A few hours later he rings me to say he has in fact located my phone charger (hooray! I was dying) and said he wanted to blow off staying at his dad’s so we could spend the night at ours together (basically he’s seeing his family a lot because he’s heading off to university soon and I’m pretty much doing the same so we don’t get to spend every night at ours). Now, this was really lovely and he even offered to pick me up (by foot, neither of us drive) from my dads. How sweet and I would love to spend the night with him! So, hence, I was happy.

Now, this all happened within a few hours. Amazing how the small gestures of my boyfriend can be so different and be replied to with such different emotions!

Charlotte York springs to mind here (Sex and the City) and what she said about happiness: “Well, not all day everyday but yes, everyday.” That’s how I feel.

Well, I’m also in a spectacular mood because I have cleaned up, done my nails and shaved all that needed shaving during a glorious bath!

Grace x

I really want to do something tonight… Sunday, Sep 16 2012 

I have discovered that I’m quite an unhappy person alone, I don’t know if that means I’m really sociable or just really uncomfortable with myself. I hate being alone and I hate going to bed without my boyfriend unless I’m rather drunk from a night out…again: Loving girlfriend or needy phyco?

I’m not really sure. Nothing much is happening tonight and I guess that’s probably a good thing; I haven’t read much in ages and I’m rather behind on my blogging. I can spend time with my little brother and get a really good nights sleep. I should probably tidy up too, it’s getting a bit ridiculous now.

My gecko needs some loving and I really want to have a long bath.

For now I am off to see Paranorman with my little brother- keep your fingers crossed that it’ll be good. Well, last time I went to the cinema with him (he’s 9) we saw the Lorax and I cried my eyes out. Lets hope I keep it together and it’s still a good film- having a hungover breakdown over watching Lion King with my boyfriend yesterday means there have probably been enough tears shed on films as of late!

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Grace x

 

 

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