Being jealous and wanting people to be jealous of you Wednesday, Sep 26 2012 

A few days ago I wrote a post entitled ‘You have something amazing, now you need others to know you have something amazing and be jealous of it!’ ( http://wp.me/p2FNrO-jt ). This post was basically how, on occasion, as awful as this probably sounds, I flaunt things in front of those who don’t have something. My most common one being my relationship with my boyfriend in front of his ex who also used to be one of my best friends.

Anyway, one of the comments I received on this post was from ‘myathiestlife’ (http://myatheistlife.wordpress.com/) who basically asked what I thought this insecurity meant and if all I was feeling was actually due to insecurity. Now, I thought that would be a great topic to write about as I was not myself aware as to why I felt the need to make certain people jealous. To begin this topic I decided to do a bit of research and found that there was actually very little about why someone would want someone else to be jealous- I guess this is understandable as the keywords took me to sites regarding how not to be a jealous person and even a few on how to make people jealous of you (these were pretty messed up sites, basically listing reasons about how to make others feel bad and how to be ‘it’, it all seemed rather pathetic to be honest). Anyway, I did find one discussion board where a woman mentioned that she felt very jealous of her husband’s friends and after feeling this way felt the need to make his friends jealous.

This really resonated with me because, when I look back, before they got together I never felt the need to advertise how much time we spent together. I think I liked him a lot more than I thought and felt the need to hold onto the fact that I was still closer to him than her. When we got together I guess I felt the need to prove that our relationship was better and would last and I know it’s probably stupid that I still feel this way after two years with him when they’d been together for about a month, but I just feel like I need to over-compensate for the fact that essentially I wasn’t the first choice and in reality that can never be different.

I also read a very interesting post (http://positivejuice.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/the-real-reasons-why-people-get-jealous-and-why-jealousy-is-so-powerful/) which concerns envy and jealousy and how envy is healthy in that it can motivate you to have something someone does not whilst jealousy is unhealthy as it is the feeling that if you can’t have something no one can. One of the points it makes is that jealousy in romantic relationships is powerful in that say, if your best friend were to have another friend you are far less likely to care that if your partner was close to someone. The post relates this with jealousy essentially deriving from the fear that you will lose what you have. Relating this back to the post of me wanting to make his ex girlfriend jealous I believe that it may be that I want her to be fully aware of the loss and know that it is a permanent loss, I also feel that by flaunting the relationship I eliminate some fear in myself that I may experience the loss of my boyfriend.

I do not think that my desire to make someone jealous is healthy in any way but it seems like the fact that she was there before me and the fact that she was so close to both of us bothers me more than any other ex girlfriend of his. I just think I am insecure in that he didn’t pursue me first.

Grace x

 

Write, write and just write Saturday, Sep 22 2012 

I was looking for some blogging inspiration when I cam across an article for writer’s block ( http://www.underworldmagazines.com/6-easy-ways-to-overcome-bloggers-block/ ). If you scroll down you will see my title as a sub-heading within the article. It basically states that when in doubt about what to write about, just start writing. This ideology really resonated with me as I thought, hey, yeah, that seems like a truly interesting and honest thing to do. I’m not much of a planner in life and everything seems to be very haphazard around me so I’ve decided to do a bit of a stream of consciousness for this post. It would be really awesome if others commented with their stream of consciousness too!

I’m worried about my rent, I don’t want to ask my dad and it seems that it’s either going to be my boyfriend or my student loan which pays for it. I blew all my money living like a rock star last year, I guess there are going to have to be serious cut backs this year, I’m only worried about visiting my boyfriend, I mean, visiting him is really cheap as he lives 9 minutes away by train but it’s still money you know. I feel sad, I hate change, I hate that I will no longer be living with him, university means change and we have different friends there and people there are hardly going to look out for me. I think my housemates are starting to get angry with me in regards to the rent. What am I supposed to do? I’m trying to get the money as fast as possible. God I hate money. I miss my boyfriend, I hope he comes home soon. I’m hungry and I want tea and a cigarette. Oh wow cigarettes are expensive. How the fuck am I going to afford my boyfriend’s birthday and anniversary present? I wanted to take him on holiday, I love him so much. What do I do? I need more money. I need to find a way to get more money. I hate that I won’t quit smoking, I feel like such a loser. What if I quit and get fat. Oh god I don’t want to get fat.

I’m going to go smoke.

Grace x

Fear Sunday, Sep 9 2012 

The fear that he will leave is immeasurable,

Everything’s fine, I know I’m happy.

You can’t get into people’s heads though.

Maybe he isn’t that happy,

Maybe he’ll find someone else,

Maybe the things he says are cute will get annoying,

Maybe I’ll exaggerate a situation and break up with him,

Maybe the worrying will drive him away.

I don’t know why I worry so much,

I’ve got through it before so presumably I can do it again.

I worry that all our friends will take his side,

I worry he’ll find someone else,

I worry I’ll see him with a girl,

I worry he’ll forget and I’ll be the only one hurting,

I worry everything will fall apart.

All this could be stupid.

All this could be true.

Grace x

10 day challenge! Friday, Sep 7 2012 

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Now, I found this on Google images as I quite enjoyed the 30 day challenge I did in about two days!

As per tradition I shall do this one in just one post! Here it goes!

Ten Secrets:

1) I liked my boyfriend whilst he was going out with my best friend, awful I know

2) I still haven’t told a lot of my close friends about a hugely close death in my family, I don’t  really like to share stuff like that

3) I cheated on my ex boyfriend of over five years (on and off) several times, again, awful I know!

4) I am hugely jealous of pretty much every girl my boyfriend talks to- pathetic, I know.

5) When I plucked my first nipple hair I felt like a Chewbacca and nearly cried.

6) I always want to have a massive accident, like death threatening just to see how people would react. Awful? Insecure? Stupid?

7) Sometimes I don’t do clothes washing or have a shower for absolutely ages- disgusting.

8) I’ve slightly thrown up on my boyfriend’s dick. Yes, I know horrific. He still doesn’t know, it was a tiny bit, I wiped it away, sent him to get me juice and febrezed the shit out of the room. In my defence I was really hungover and he pushed my head down too much.

9) I know this is horrific but I don’t think I could deal with having a disabled child. I know that is completely dreadful but I just don’t know how I would cope!

10) I get really anxious about really silly things such as my boyfriend seeming to be a bit off or a friend not responding to a text for a while, I get easily worried I did something wrong.

Nine Loves:

1) My family

2) My boyfriend

3) My cat

4) My gecko

5) University

6) Sex

7) Cuddling

8) Those websites that let you watch practically anything online

9) (I know I’m cheating a bit here but…) Friends, smoking, going out, drinking

Eight Fears:

1) Spiders

2) Getting broken up with

3) Doing something ridiculously embarrassing like peeing myself in public

4) Being shouted at and general confrontations (I hate it, it scares me and I’m highly likely to cry)

5) Cancer

6) Not being able to have children or for them to have any kind of disabilities

7) Never getting married to someone I am crazy about or them cheating on me

8) Rape

Seven Wants:

1) To get married and have a happy family

2) To have a job I extreamly enjoy

3) To stay with my boyfriend as long as I want to and as long as I love him and he still treats me the way he does

4) My boyfriend to have less female friends

5) For my family to be healthy

6) For my little brother to have everything he wants in life

7) For my dad to meet someone he loves again

Six Places:

1) London: I live here now

2) Russia: I was born here, my grandparents live here, it is still one of my favourite places!

3) Leicester: I go to university here and I adore it!

4) Furteventura (Canary Islands): The first place me and my boyfriend went to on holiday, just the two of us.

5) Ireland: Where every boyfriend and guy I’d got with before my current boyfriend had some kind of roots. This is also the place my boyfriend said we were going instead of the Canary Islands right up until we were at the airport!

6) America: Where I desperately want to go ASAP.

Five Foods:

1) Taco’s: Me and my boyfriend eat these constantly, he cooks them bloody amazing!

2) Noodles: The only thing I can make nearly as good as my boyfriend, and the only thing I can afford to eat when I’m done living like a rock-star for the best part of the month!

3) Spaghetti-Bolognese: We used to have a night for this when I was younger and I just love it! I don’t really like the chunks though, I like it meaty, with juice, and heaps of pasta.

4) Chicken Wrap: You can get these amazing ones with salad and some amazing sauce at a kebab shop near me; it’s cheap and tastes fucking amazing, I get it pretty much at every opportunity!

5) Chicken Bhuna: My favourite Indian dish.

Four Books:

1) ‘Orix and Crake’ by Margaret Atwood: Easily one of my favourite books!

2) ‘Pride and Prejustice’ by Jane Austen: One of my favourite Austen books and the one which got me into classics

3) ‘The Dutchess’ by Amanda Foreman: Brilliant book about how women were crucial to political campaigns even in the 17th century, a story with factual evidence about Georgiana, the Dutchess of Devonshire.

4) ‘Winnie the Pooh’ by A.A. Mills: Come on, a childhood classic like this had to be mentioned, such a beautiful book.

Three Films

1) The Butterfly Effect

2) The Notebook

3) Hannibal

Two Songs:

1) ‘Wherever You Will Go’ by The Calling

2) ‘Fireflies’ by Owl City

One Picture (of yourself)

I really don’t think so! At least not yet…

But here’s a funny one I chuckled over for ages:

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Grace x

What does he see? Wednesday, Aug 29 2012 

I wonder what he sees when he looks at me

I’m a mess, I whine and moan.

I overthink, I pick fights

I think he’s imperfect,

I think I love him.

I wonder what he sees when he looks at me,

The days I think I look good,

Does he see it?

Does he see my outside or my inside?

I wonder what he sees when he looks at me?

I love him,

I fear he’ll leave

I wonder what he sees when he looks at me,

Does he see a future?

I want to cuddle up with him

I wonder if he sees what I hope he does when he looks at me.

Grace x