Being jealous and wanting people to be jealous of you Wednesday, Sep 26 2012 

A few days ago I wrote a post entitled ‘You have something amazing, now you need others to know you have something amazing and be jealous of it!’ ( http://wp.me/p2FNrO-jt ). This post was basically how, on occasion, as awful as this probably sounds, I flaunt things in front of those who don’t have something. My most common one being my relationship with my boyfriend in front of his ex who also used to be one of my best friends.

Anyway, one of the comments I received on this post was from ‘myathiestlife’ (http://myatheistlife.wordpress.com/) who basically asked what I thought this insecurity meant and if all I was feeling was actually due to insecurity. Now, I thought that would be a great topic to write about as I was not myself aware as to why I felt the need to make certain people jealous. To begin this topic I decided to do a bit of research and found that there was actually very little about why someone would want someone else to be jealous- I guess this is understandable as the keywords took me to sites regarding how not to be a jealous person and even a few on how to make people jealous of you (these were pretty messed up sites, basically listing reasons about how to make others feel bad and how to be ‘it’, it all seemed rather pathetic to be honest). Anyway, I did find one discussion board where a woman mentioned that she felt very jealous of her husband’s friends and after feeling this way felt the need to make his friends jealous.

This really resonated with me because, when I look back, before they got together I never felt the need to advertise how much time we spent together. I think I liked him a lot more than I thought and felt the need to hold onto the fact that I was still closer to him than her. When we got together I guess I felt the need to prove that our relationship was better and would last and I know it’s probably stupid that I still feel this way after two years with him when they’d been together for about a month, but I just feel like I need to over-compensate for the fact that essentially I wasn’t the first choice and in reality that can never be different.

I also read a very interesting post (http://positivejuice.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/the-real-reasons-why-people-get-jealous-and-why-jealousy-is-so-powerful/) which concerns envy and jealousy and how envy is healthy in that it can motivate you to have something someone does not whilst jealousy is unhealthy as it is the feeling that if you can’t have something no one can. One of the points it makes is that jealousy in romantic relationships is powerful in that say, if your best friend were to have another friend you are far less likely to care that if your partner was close to someone. The post relates this with jealousy essentially deriving from the fear that you will lose what you have. Relating this back to the post of me wanting to make his ex girlfriend jealous I believe that it may be that I want her to be fully aware of the loss and know that it is a permanent loss, I also feel that by flaunting the relationship I eliminate some fear in myself that I may experience the loss of my boyfriend.

I do not think that my desire to make someone jealous is healthy in any way but it seems like the fact that she was there before me and the fact that she was so close to both of us bothers me more than any other ex girlfriend of his. I just think I am insecure in that he didn’t pursue me first.

Grace x

 

Love and sex when you’re ill Sunday, Sep 23 2012 

So, my boyfriend came home to a very ill Grace last night, he was amazing, he let me watch any crap that I wanted and just took care of me in such an amazing way. Sadly, he too is ill now, in fact, as I type he is snoring right beside me.

Now, the theme of this blog is how illnesses effect love and sex. I do not mean any serious illnesses such as cancer as I feel that I cannot truly comment on something I have not myself experienced, but illnesses such as the common cold. In terms of a cold I think my boyfriend can be a bit of a sissy…he is definitely someone you can put in the ‘man-flu’ category: You know, complaining, bad mood, incessant whining and the expectation that you have to do everything for him (I know he exaggerates but still end up being his nurse and maid when he has a touch of the sniffles- sorry feminism). However, it seems that in this strange turn of events he has simply become gentle, kind and very very cuddly- I like this kind of illness in him.

I, too, seem to have become very complimentary, cuddly and generally ridiculously nice. It’s odd how we seem to have spent the whole day with compliments replacing banter: maybe we just don’t have the energy for witty insults today.

Now…onto the sex! The sex yesterday was fucking AMAZING! I mean proper AMAZING. I don’t know why but I just felt so sensitive to his touch and I just wanted him so much and he wanted me. It was so hot…well, maybe that was just our mutual rise in body temperature…

I took off my top because I was boiling and he got hard, I touched and teased him throughout the evening. I had almost given up on anything happening when we said goodnight and began to spoon but then I though, hey, I want dick- now. I began rubbing his crotch properly and he got hard very quick. The rest is history…wait, the rest is biology.

However, for those of you who are aware that he had a hand injury…yesterday was the first time he was able to get on top. Hot hot hot! Finally, the weight of my guy on top of me, no wonder that I was thanking every cosmological power if I was a girl…the time I cumed in…lets just say that if I was a guy and my boyfriend was a girl he would be taking me to see a premature ejaculation therapist. God it’s good being a girl sometimes!

Grace x

I guess it was inevitable that I would open this can of worms… Monday, Sep 10 2012 

Basically, I know my boyfriend’s Facebook password, I’ve known it for a long time but have always been very well behaved as to not use this knowledge to go through his messages. 

Yesterday, I accidently unblocked my ex boyfriend when I was trying to block someone else- I was drunk, what do you expect. Anyway, I tried to block him again straight after but you have to wait 48 hours to reblock someone. Now, I don’t know how he found out so quickly that I blocked him- chance of being online or something I guess I don’t know; but anyway, he rang me and started shouting at me about not being there for him. I explained that if my boyfriend was all besties and secrets with his ex girlfriend he would be hurtling out of my window by now.

After I hung up I realised that this guy could potentially message my boyfriend saying that I had unblocked him and stir up trouble I couldn’t be bothered to deal with. With that I decided to hack my boyfriend’s account and delete anything from my ex. I would obviously tell him about the phone call and the unblocking but I just didn’t want him getting wound up for a whole day before I got to explain face to face.

There was nothing in his inbox but I did spot a conversation between him and Chelsea (if you remember her, she’s the one who always lies about drastic things, have got with my boyfriend [Jeff], and is just generally fucking annoying and slutty).

Now, Chelsea had stayed over at Jeff’s many a time before- his is a bit of a party house, however, since we’ve been dating it has only happened twice and when I found out I cried for days. Jeff knew this.

The messages between them were Jeff asking Chelsea if she was free to come over and saying that she could crash. He has invited other people. Today he told me he couldn’t go to the pub as it was his dad’s birthday, that he couldn’t stay at mine because it was his dad’s birthday and he didn’t even invite me to his!

The thing is, it’s not that I think Jeff would have cheated on me, but I just don’t understand why, after how much I cried and screamed, he would invite her to ‘crash’ at his for the night. I mean, she lives like fucking ten minutes away anyway!

I was not happy and decided to confront Jeff…

(to be continued)

Grace x

An interesting and confusing tea Saturday, Sep 8 2012 

Today I’ve been rather bored in the day so agreed to go to coffee with a guy who used to be a good friend of mine but has recently begun to be a bit of a douche. You see, he started going to the gym; his dad gave him mass amounts of money; his dad got him a car; he grew his hair; he got good looking- so basically life is shining for him right now. However, in groups of people he always feels the need to discuss how ‘toned’ and ‘ripped’ he is becoming and how he has so much money- this, as you can imagine, would highly annoy those of us who have eaten crap all year and have finished our over drafts. He also got a rather attractive girlfriend which made his ego even bigger and he became obsessed with bragging about how ‘whipped’ she was; how she would do anything for him and how he had even cheated on her and she forgave him basically instantly because he was her God.

Anyway, this guy goes to the same university as me but I don’t really see him much unless I’m home as we live very far away from each other at university and have completely different friends. I felt like I hadn’t really seen or spoken to him much this summer and I felt that as he was one of my best friends before university I should really have a catch up with him, plus, him and his girlfriend had just broken up.

We went for tea at a local cafe and chatted, it was actually really nice, I mean, he didn’t really brag about money and brought up the fitness thing in a minimal way. Also, his egotistical things were said with humour rather than with condescension. In fact, I had a really good time with him, we laughed and shared stories and talked about his break up and my relationship. It was absolutely lovely and I’m glad I met up with him.

The thing that puzzled me however was the way in which his girlfriend saw him. Now, I know love is said to be blind, forgiving etc. etc. but come on girl; there has to be a limit! He showed me these texts from her which literally called him her God; others said she hadn’t moved out of bed in days and others that she could never let him go and that she hadn’t yet stopped crying. Now, I understand that heartbreak is horrific but I just don’t understand why she put up with his bullshit for this long- he never called; he cheated on her numerous times; he had sex with her best friend; he had tried to break up with her numerous times; she had walked in on him having sex; he didn’t cuddle… the list just goes on!

Also, I never understand why some people feel the need to send these guilt filled and emotional texts to ex’s- now I know that it may help some but the thing is, a text is NOT going to make them come back to you, especially if they are truly pathetic ones. Also, if they do come back, would you want to be with them, you would then know they are with you out of pity.

I don’t know. I’m just confused how you could have so little self respect to allow yourself to be treated like that and then want more of it!

Also, I don’t understand why he bothered to be with her if he never liked her that much and was just going to cheat.

Grace x

PubPubPubPubbbbb! Friday, Sep 7 2012 

Tonight I shall be making up for the failure that was last night!

I can’t wait to see my boyfriend.

I’m excited Judas isn’t going to be there.

I want this to be a calm and awesome night with just loads and loads of fun!

I’m so excited I’m actually specifically showering and shaving for the pub…crazy I know!!

Also, a friend who I only recently made up with (she lied about kissing my boyfriend, was really weird around him, admitted to having feelings for him etc.) is back from working abroad. I don’t know yet know if she is coming tonight but her reappearance back in London shall be interesting. My boyfriend and a lot of our mutual friends still don’t speak to her due to the arguments she caused last year. I am curious to know what is going to unfold in my last weeks before I go back to university. I shall call her Megan and I shall inform everyone accordingly.

Grace x

The story of the beginning Thursday, Sep 6 2012 

So, I’ve mentioned my boyfriend quite a lot in this blog, I have also mentioned that he used to be my best friend, I have also said once that he went out with my other best friend before me. I said I’d explain this so here it goes.

I met my boyfriend (calling him Jeff) the day everyone got their GCSE results (so I had just finished year 11). I knew of him before as one of my friends had dated his brother for quite a while a year or so before this. I had never met him and didn’t talk to him that much the day we met- although I did steal some beer from him! I knew my best friend, lets call her Susan, quite liked him and had kissed him at a bbq that he was at a few weeks ago. Anyway, that was the day we met.

The second time I met him he picked me up from my house (I’m not really sure why) to go drinking in a park with a load of friends, we were there before everyone else and started playing a drinking game by drinking whoever got the lowest number on the dice we were throwing (well, not really throwing, the dice was on his phone). I kept loosing- a hint at what the relationship we would have would be like (he wins fucking everything). I got drunk and tried to get off with him and his best friend. I managed to get off with him, get him topless and alone and in my drunken state asked him who was better looking, me or Susan- he didn’t reply. This is a truly cringey episode! I mean I totally jumped him, tried to strip him down and asked him awkward questions! How could I ever face him again?

The next day the friend who had dated his brother tried to interrogate him about what happened (bare in mind she had already tried to set us up and after looking at my Facebook he was like urrhhh nah) and he seemed rather funny about it.

Anyway, after this we somehow managed to become really good friends, he was free to get off with whoever, I went out with a lot of his friends, we chilled, meshed, got drunk together, went for dinners…it was an amazing time.

Crunch time came when he drunkenly let out that he fancied someone in the group (this was about a year later by the way). Everyone thought it was me. He let it drag on and on. It turned out to be Susan. He asked her out and she said yes. I knew I was kind of upset.

I know I didn’t exactly help their relationship very much at all, and I know I was a pretty shitty friend. I mean, I spent all my time with him, we hung out way more than she did, he ditched her to hang out with me and we even played strip poker. He eventually broke up with her because she started shouting at me for being too close to him. I don’t blame her, if he was the way he was with me with someone else now I would be running for the fucking hills!

They broke up, we remained ridiculously close. Throughout our friendship I had been on and off with a ridiculously jealous boyfriend who hated Jeff. I was going out with him when Jeff first kissed me. We were drunk on Sambuca. He told me he thought he might like me.

This started a strange line of affairs where neither of us could decide if we wanted to be together.

Jeff asked me to go out with him on Valentines day. He spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds that day, that’s when I had to tell Susan.

It was awkward, she said she was okay with it but then said she felt like Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ song…that is NOT an ‘I’m okay with it’ song.

I carried on seeing him, nearly two years together now. I know I made the right decision, it may sound bitchy and it may sound harsh but I wanted to be with him, they weren’t and I know you’re not meant to go out with you’re best friend’s ex but what if you just can’t help yourself. I can’t imagine this year without him, he’s amazing, he yanked me out of an abusive relationship and he is still my best friend. I want to say sorry to Susan but I don’t know what I’m really sorry for, I’m sorry that I hurt her and I’m sorry our friendship can never be the same.

On a brighter note, I am back to doing my questions!

So…

Question 4: If you wanted to have children and you’re partner didn’t would that be a deal breaker for you?

Answer: Definately a yes, I have always pictured children in my future and I don’t think I would be happy to not have children, I don’t think I could ever love someone as much as a child and therefore no man would be worthy of making me change my mind.  I think I do really need children when I’m older and I want to be a mother. I wouldn’t let anyone take this away. Obviously this is different for everyone but I personally would walk away if someone didn’t see children in our future (not at this age, I mean I don’t want children now and I would date someone who didn’t want children but in terms of serious relationships and particularly when I’m older I would need to be with someone who wanted kids)

Grace x

Today’s the day! Monday, Sep 3 2012 

The camping trip is about to begin! I am in the bath with my laptop and I guess this is going to be goodbye for a while, gosh I’m going to miss blogging!

Judas is coming I think, she is also being rather stuck up and not having the food/alcohol we bought for everyone and having her own stuff, tent and all. Come on, it’s a group thing for only two nights, RELAX!

She has also decided that we need to leave later as she’s not ready. Ridiculous!

Now, I have been suspicious of her for a while now and this whole camping business will, I hope, let me get to the bottom of what’s going on. The thing is I know I may sound slightly crazy and off my rocker but she was previously a good friend of mine but has been acting very cold or mean to me ever since Christmas and now it’s just getting out of hand and out of control!

I hope my phone works up there…especially if I need to rant about her.

I do hope this trip goes well, otherwise it’s going to be a very expensive rubbish few days! I am optimistic! Plus, the camp site is near where my friend from university lives so she’s going to come meet me at some point in the three days which will be AWESOME- I miss her. I miss university.

At least I get to cuddle up with my boyfriend every night we’re there, which I do anyway I guess but a new setting is always nice. Last time we were in a tent we weren’t together and were sharing with another guy and a girl who afterwards became his girlfriend for a few months. Yes, she was my friend. Yes, I may be judged for that. I think that story may just be one of the posts I do when I return from this trip.

Tent-sex? Good? Bad? I shall report back (well, I hope I’ll be able to report back: otherwise this would be a very unsuccessful trip).

Question 3: (Okay, this is slightly related to the post I guess, mentioning it I thought it would make quite a good question) Would you ever go out with your best friend’s ex?

Answer 3: Well, I did. So apparently I would. The thing is, things with us were brooding for a very long time and we did really like each other. They weren’t together for any long amount of time so I didn’t think it would be too bad, I also thought that at the end of the day I liked him and would want to give things a go. I did speak to her about it first once I knew things were going to happen with us. It was hard and it has been hard since but I felt like I just had to. It’s also been nearly two years so I guess I didn’t do it for nothing, more on this story when I’m back.

Grace x

True love is friendship set on fire Friday, Aug 31 2012 

Right guys, I have successfully pulled an all-nighter and can now accompany my boyfriend to the hospital on time! I’m pretty impressed with myself as I was knackered by the time I rolled out of bed this morning, plus I had wine at the pub in the evening! All in all I am proud of myself!

He’s getting his stitches out today, I’m really hoping everything goes well. Neither of us knows what exactly goes on his wounded area after the stitches come out so today shall have a somewhat learning-curve element in it. Now I just have to summon enough will power to get out of bed and off WordPress!

I know the title is a bit mushy but I thought it was appropriate since I’m rather excited to spend the morning with my best friend turner boyfriend (while still being my best friend). I hope we’re not late this time, last time we were in too much of a rush to get any food on the way to the hospital and damn there were some yummy looking places on the way!

I have my blackberry all sorted now, and yes, I do have the WordPress app (it’s actually pretty good). If I have time I’ll sneakily (he doesn’t know about the blog) post anything funny I see on the London Underground- there is ALWAYS something funny on the London Underground.

Grace x

Back from the pub Thursday, Aug 30 2012 

I am currently back home from the pub, I’m feeling rather tipsy but I know I can’t go to sleep because I need to be up at 7am to go to the hospital with my boyfriend.

Those of you who have read my posts before will know that me and Chelsea don’t always get along. However, today we had a pretty good evening, just the two of us. General gossip and funny stories were exchanged and it was a good night. I’m rather shocked.

I guess I’ll be reading blogs/ blogging quite a lot today.

Hope I stay awake

Grace x

The day I get a phone my boyfriend’s phone stops working Thursday, Aug 30 2012 

What an absolute joke on my life.

Now I have to be stressed about meeting him in the morning as I don’t want to casually wake up at 7am to not see his gore-y stitches come out! Nevermind, I shall go, making sure I have enough money on my oyster, and if he’s not there by some change in plans I get to sleep all day until I go to the pub, sounds alright to be honest!

It was nice seeing one of my really good friend today who isn’t directly in my most active friendship group. I’d missed him

Wish me luck for tomorrow. For now I am off to the pub. I think staying up all night is a better idea than trusting myself to wake up for 7am.

Grace x

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