Did I pick the wrong house? Monday, Oct 1 2012 

Last night I walked into pre-drinks and everyone literally jumped up and pushed people out of the way to hug me. It was the best thing ever and it was absolutely amazing that so many people wanted to spend time with me!

Meanwhile, two of my flatmates had decided, last minute, that they weren’t going out and didn’t even bother to tell me. The one who did come left early.

I’d be allowed to smoke in the other house and the people there seem to appreciate me way more- why did I choose to live with these other people who hang about doing nothing all day and don’t seem all that bothered about me?

Anyway, they want to go to a club tomorrow but the other people are going to a different one, I’m going to go to the different one as I just think it will be heaps more fun and I won’t be having to leave when I feel my night hasn’t even begun yet!

I miss my halls from last year, they were a fucking ball! I don’t know, maybe it’s just the first few days and I’m just settling in. At least the other people only live about two minutes away so I guess I can go there anytime. It just sucks to not be comfortable in your own house.

On a brighter note, tomorrow is going to be AMAZING, and I get to go out with one of my guy best-friends who I didn’t get to see all summer and who is absolutely fantastic. Also, I’m really looking forward to seeing my boyfriend on Friday which I’m sure will be great, I do miss having him around all the time but it’s also lovely to be in a house which is mine.

Tomorrow I’m going to go do some food shopping and get myself more together.

Also, I have a gecko and well, he was car sick on the way here! How weird is that! I thought he was dying and his insides were coming out and nearly lobbed him out of the window! Luckily I realized it was vomited up worms. How odd though, I didn’t know geckos could throw up, I know that may sound really stupid but you don’t exactly expect that!

I am so excited for tomorrow! Also, I feel like I’m actually doing something with my life as I am going to sort out my university lectures and get some folders together. I am really excited for tomorrow!

Grace x

Something someone told me… Wednesday, Sep 26 2012 

Yesterday I wrote a post (https://overthinkingmind.wordpress.com/2012/09/25/why-is-that-why-is-it-that-youre-fine-by-yourself-but-after-a-relationship-yourself-just-isnt-enough-anymore/) which was basically about how before a monumental relationship you are completely able to stand on your own two feet and are completely happy in yourself but afterwards find that you aren’t the person you were before and find that you need the person you had around more than you could have imagined. It was about how you find yourself needing them and are no longer the independent person you were prior to the relationship. When I posted this one of the comments I got really resonated with me and I asked if I could share it in one of my blogs:

“Ever break a leg? After you walk around on crutches for several weeks, the day you get the cast off and leave the crutches in the doctor’s office is the first day that you find yourself reaching for your crutches before you try to get up out of your seat. It will be several days before you stop thinking about how to not get sweaty because you don’t want the bother of another shower today. It will be many days before you feel whole again.

Getting rid of your crutches does not mean your brain instantly stops counting on them.”

I thought this was an absolutely amazing comment and a brilliant metaphor which I think could apply to so many things, break ups; the end of friendships; career stumbles and more. I think it also sends the wonderful message that yes, in life you do get used to things and after they’re gone you miss them and the fact that you relied on them so much means that you don’t feel like you did after it happened- yet it also shows how you will be able to move on and how you will once again become the person who doesn’t need to reach for the thing that you felt once held you up, you will once again walk without the crutches.

This just showed to me how wonderful this site is and how amazing the people on it are and how they can comment on your thoughts and make you look at things differently and with, often, a more positive outlook. For this particular comment I would like to say thank you to ‘my atheist mind’ (http://myatheistlife.wordpress.com/) who wrote this lovely comment on my post.

Grace x

Being jealous and wanting people to be jealous of you Wednesday, Sep 26 2012 

A few days ago I wrote a post entitled ‘You have something amazing, now you need others to know you have something amazing and be jealous of it!’ ( http://wp.me/p2FNrO-jt ). This post was basically how, on occasion, as awful as this probably sounds, I flaunt things in front of those who don’t have something. My most common one being my relationship with my boyfriend in front of his ex who also used to be one of my best friends.

Anyway, one of the comments I received on this post was from ‘myathiestlife’ (http://myatheistlife.wordpress.com/) who basically asked what I thought this insecurity meant and if all I was feeling was actually due to insecurity. Now, I thought that would be a great topic to write about as I was not myself aware as to why I felt the need to make certain people jealous. To begin this topic I decided to do a bit of research and found that there was actually very little about why someone would want someone else to be jealous- I guess this is understandable as the keywords took me to sites regarding how not to be a jealous person and even a few on how to make people jealous of you (these were pretty messed up sites, basically listing reasons about how to make others feel bad and how to be ‘it’, it all seemed rather pathetic to be honest). Anyway, I did find one discussion board where a woman mentioned that she felt very jealous of her husband’s friends and after feeling this way felt the need to make his friends jealous.

This really resonated with me because, when I look back, before they got together I never felt the need to advertise how much time we spent together. I think I liked him a lot more than I thought and felt the need to hold onto the fact that I was still closer to him than her. When we got together I guess I felt the need to prove that our relationship was better and would last and I know it’s probably stupid that I still feel this way after two years with him when they’d been together for about a month, but I just feel like I need to over-compensate for the fact that essentially I wasn’t the first choice and in reality that can never be different.

I also read a very interesting post (http://positivejuice.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/the-real-reasons-why-people-get-jealous-and-why-jealousy-is-so-powerful/) which concerns envy and jealousy and how envy is healthy in that it can motivate you to have something someone does not whilst jealousy is unhealthy as it is the feeling that if you can’t have something no one can. One of the points it makes is that jealousy in romantic relationships is powerful in that say, if your best friend were to have another friend you are far less likely to care that if your partner was close to someone. The post relates this with jealousy essentially deriving from the fear that you will lose what you have. Relating this back to the post of me wanting to make his ex girlfriend jealous I believe that it may be that I want her to be fully aware of the loss and know that it is a permanent loss, I also feel that by flaunting the relationship I eliminate some fear in myself that I may experience the loss of my boyfriend.

I do not think that my desire to make someone jealous is healthy in any way but it seems like the fact that she was there before me and the fact that she was so close to both of us bothers me more than any other ex girlfriend of his. I just think I am insecure in that he didn’t pursue me first.

Grace x

 

‘One true measure of a person is how much he or she hurts others.’ Sunday, Sep 23 2012 

I literally just heard this quote on Ally McBeal right now, and it really resonated with me. The fact is, if you’re a good person you will hurt others when you break up with them, move, die etc. It’s odd how the people who are the best often cause the most pain, the most heartache, the most worry. It’s strange how those who are bad and actively seek to hurt people will rarely be able to hurt someone as much as a loved one is able to hurt them. The fact that you have the potential to hurt someone demonstrates your good qualities- it shows that people care for you, perhaps because you’re family, because you’re a good friend or just generally a good person. Funny isn’t it, how those who want to hurt people the least do it the most. Nevertheless, the pain they bring is not of the pointless kind that bad people bring, good people bring the pain that reminds us of their goodness, kindness and love- it is a pain that makes it abundantly clear to us how much we love them and how much they love us.

Grace x

“Reasons why I would never EVER have sex with you” Monday, Sep 10 2012 

So, I was reading this awesome blog called http://reasonswhyimstillsingle.wordpress.com/ which is basically this guy stating all the hilarious reasons why he’s single and it reminded me of a drunken conversation I had with my male friend, lets call him Jack, a few weeks ago.

Basically, Jack was rather hammered and everyone else had gone home (because we’re awesomely hardcore and they we tired- well, actually I’d arrived late as I had slept all day, had already thrown up and had drank my body weight in vodka-red bulls and Jack, well, he’s like 20 ft. so I guess it would take a lot to get him nackered from alcohol).

Drunkenly I say: “We would be such an awesome couple if we liked each other, we always have bundles of fun and we wouldn’t have the whole sex complication.”

Jack’s lovely response to this was “Oh God! I would never EVER have sex with you!”

“Excuse me! Why exactly would YOU not have sex with ME!?”

(Yes, my ego is slightly inflated. Drunk? I think I’m a bloody goddess)

To this Jack responded with a very accurate and rather long list:

– I’ve seen you throw up pink rice, try to crawl away from it, fall into it and continue throwing up.

– You think that the solution to your throwing up with a hangover is to go out and drink more resulting in an even worse session the next day

– You’ve thrown up on me

– You’ve gone to hospital because you were so drunk and tried to attack the nurse

– You got arrested for trying to beat up a 6 ft guy because he was in your way in a club

– You think that not showering for days is acceptable

– You’ve come to my house with vomit in your hair

– I’ve seen you get angry and throw your heels at your boyfriend

– You always seem to be escorted out of clubs rather than leaving them

– I once found you passed out in a bush outside my house

– Your room smells like someone’s shat in it and there’s food from weeks and weeks ago in it

– I’ve seen you running around naked at a house party when you had a period pad on

I’m pretty sure there was more but I can’t remember all of them. Bare in mind these are only the reasons he wouldn’t go out with me due to alcohol. My god, there must be hundreds more.

How do I even have a boyfriend?

Grace x

I’ll just hide in the Bennets’ house and everything will be a-okay! My love of classic literature and why it will be my downfall. Monday, Sep 10 2012 

I personally love books.

However, for any of you (which I guess is probably a very small percentage as you’re all writing blogs so probably enjoy reading too) who feel you should read more: DON’T.

Or, more specifically; beware of the classics!

Why is it that Darcy does not demand that Elizabeth have sex with him after he’s walked her home? (Pride and Prejudice: Jane Austen)

Yes, I have actually been yelled at for refusing to let a guy upstairs which I thought was highly unreasonable as I’d mentioned my boyfriend, told him numerous times not to walk me and only lived about three minutes from the club.

How is the friendship between Lennie and George so strong and beautiful? (Of Mice and Men: John Steinbeck)

I have many times fallen out with friends over boys, gossip and generally stupid things. I have also been back-stabbed and betrayed

How are both Emma and Harriet able to find love regardless of Harriet’s shyness and Emma’s interfering ways? (Emma: Jane Austen)

Both friends get what they desire and are friends after all they have gone through- two of my friends refuse to speak to each other because of a drunken row they had about taxi’s last week.

How is Jane-Eyre able to be so good to Rochester after he lied to her so harshly and after he was so horribly disabled? (Jane Eyre: Charlotte Bronte)

I’m mad at my boyfriend over a Facebook conversation with a girl!

Now, these are only just some examples that I could think of off the top of my head. I think classics are truly beautiful. However, they do make me wish I lived in a time of courtship, of a time without mobiles and internet connection, a time where a marriage would be forever (now, I know I know, there was abuse and women couldn’t file for divorce and were the property of their husbands but just leave all the negativity out for my fanciful musings).

Love seemed to be unending I mean, how many years did Gatsby love Daisy (The Great Gatsby: Scott Fitzgerald) without even seeing her? 

Family seemed to be valued and respected and friends stayed friends.

Now, I am not disillusioned enough to believe that this is how life actually was ( actually, I would have to be a bit of an idiot as I do History as a degree) but the books and the love and feeling they have in them…it’s just so beautiful.

Grace x

The story of the beginning Thursday, Sep 6 2012 

So, I’ve mentioned my boyfriend quite a lot in this blog, I have also mentioned that he used to be my best friend, I have also said once that he went out with my other best friend before me. I said I’d explain this so here it goes.

I met my boyfriend (calling him Jeff) the day everyone got their GCSE results (so I had just finished year 11). I knew of him before as one of my friends had dated his brother for quite a while a year or so before this. I had never met him and didn’t talk to him that much the day we met- although I did steal some beer from him! I knew my best friend, lets call her Susan, quite liked him and had kissed him at a bbq that he was at a few weeks ago. Anyway, that was the day we met.

The second time I met him he picked me up from my house (I’m not really sure why) to go drinking in a park with a load of friends, we were there before everyone else and started playing a drinking game by drinking whoever got the lowest number on the dice we were throwing (well, not really throwing, the dice was on his phone). I kept loosing- a hint at what the relationship we would have would be like (he wins fucking everything). I got drunk and tried to get off with him and his best friend. I managed to get off with him, get him topless and alone and in my drunken state asked him who was better looking, me or Susan- he didn’t reply. This is a truly cringey episode! I mean I totally jumped him, tried to strip him down and asked him awkward questions! How could I ever face him again?

The next day the friend who had dated his brother tried to interrogate him about what happened (bare in mind she had already tried to set us up and after looking at my Facebook he was like urrhhh nah) and he seemed rather funny about it.

Anyway, after this we somehow managed to become really good friends, he was free to get off with whoever, I went out with a lot of his friends, we chilled, meshed, got drunk together, went for dinners…it was an amazing time.

Crunch time came when he drunkenly let out that he fancied someone in the group (this was about a year later by the way). Everyone thought it was me. He let it drag on and on. It turned out to be Susan. He asked her out and she said yes. I knew I was kind of upset.

I know I didn’t exactly help their relationship very much at all, and I know I was a pretty shitty friend. I mean, I spent all my time with him, we hung out way more than she did, he ditched her to hang out with me and we even played strip poker. He eventually broke up with her because she started shouting at me for being too close to him. I don’t blame her, if he was the way he was with me with someone else now I would be running for the fucking hills!

They broke up, we remained ridiculously close. Throughout our friendship I had been on and off with a ridiculously jealous boyfriend who hated Jeff. I was going out with him when Jeff first kissed me. We were drunk on Sambuca. He told me he thought he might like me.

This started a strange line of affairs where neither of us could decide if we wanted to be together.

Jeff asked me to go out with him on Valentines day. He spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds that day, that’s when I had to tell Susan.

It was awkward, she said she was okay with it but then said she felt like Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ song…that is NOT an ‘I’m okay with it’ song.

I carried on seeing him, nearly two years together now. I know I made the right decision, it may sound bitchy and it may sound harsh but I wanted to be with him, they weren’t and I know you’re not meant to go out with you’re best friend’s ex but what if you just can’t help yourself. I can’t imagine this year without him, he’s amazing, he yanked me out of an abusive relationship and he is still my best friend. I want to say sorry to Susan but I don’t know what I’m really sorry for, I’m sorry that I hurt her and I’m sorry our friendship can never be the same.

On a brighter note, I am back to doing my questions!

So…

Question 4: If you wanted to have children and you’re partner didn’t would that be a deal breaker for you?

Answer: Definately a yes, I have always pictured children in my future and I don’t think I would be happy to not have children, I don’t think I could ever love someone as much as a child and therefore no man would be worthy of making me change my mind.  I think I do really need children when I’m older and I want to be a mother. I wouldn’t let anyone take this away. Obviously this is different for everyone but I personally would walk away if someone didn’t see children in our future (not at this age, I mean I don’t want children now and I would date someone who didn’t want children but in terms of serious relationships and particularly when I’m older I would need to be with someone who wanted kids)

Grace x