Explosion Monday, Dec 24 2012 

Yesterday me and some friends went to a pub, my boyfriend was amongst the group that went.

He had made a pub quiz for us all to do and when the pub closed decided to carry on doing it outside.

I was freezing and made a fuss about us just going home as I hadn’t slept the night before; was ridiculously cold; and just believed the night was over.

He still continued with the quiz and insisted I stayed when I tried to leave even thought I said he could just come home after me.

Anyway, we walked home in complete silence with me putting my headphones on.

When we got home he gave me a kiss on the head and said bye- apparently he was going to his dads.

He walked off and after having a little cry on the street I followed him.
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I think the above picture is the only way to describe what happened next…

He completely exploded about me always wanting to get my own way and being weird about him being friends with girls. He then refused to come back to mine.

It was a truly horrific night with a lot of crying and I genuinely thought we were breaking up.

Finally, he came back home.

I was so tired and a bit drunk and kept falling asleep and thinking of Pokemon during the conversation.

We fought about me not liking him being friends with girls and I said I got jealous of any girl spending more time with him than I do- he said no girl does. I said I didn’t like the way some of his friendships were.

The argument ended for him in me saying I would chill about girls and wouldn’t be so pushy.

I think this is definitely one of the most horrific arguments we’ve had.

We went to Christmas lunch at his and he says everything is fine and we’re okay and he loves me. I worry that he’ll change his mind.

I hate that I don’t get to see him till the day after Boxing Day- consequently that is also his birthday.

I’m guessing this Christmas isn’t going to be particularly great.

Grace x

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Being jealous and wanting people to be jealous of you Wednesday, Sep 26 2012 

A few days ago I wrote a post entitled ‘You have something amazing, now you need others to know you have something amazing and be jealous of it!’ ( http://wp.me/p2FNrO-jt ). This post was basically how, on occasion, as awful as this probably sounds, I flaunt things in front of those who don’t have something. My most common one being my relationship with my boyfriend in front of his ex who also used to be one of my best friends.

Anyway, one of the comments I received on this post was from ‘myathiestlife’ (http://myatheistlife.wordpress.com/) who basically asked what I thought this insecurity meant and if all I was feeling was actually due to insecurity. Now, I thought that would be a great topic to write about as I was not myself aware as to why I felt the need to make certain people jealous. To begin this topic I decided to do a bit of research and found that there was actually very little about why someone would want someone else to be jealous- I guess this is understandable as the keywords took me to sites regarding how not to be a jealous person and even a few on how to make people jealous of you (these were pretty messed up sites, basically listing reasons about how to make others feel bad and how to be ‘it’, it all seemed rather pathetic to be honest). Anyway, I did find one discussion board where a woman mentioned that she felt very jealous of her husband’s friends and after feeling this way felt the need to make his friends jealous.

This really resonated with me because, when I look back, before they got together I never felt the need to advertise how much time we spent together. I think I liked him a lot more than I thought and felt the need to hold onto the fact that I was still closer to him than her. When we got together I guess I felt the need to prove that our relationship was better and would last and I know it’s probably stupid that I still feel this way after two years with him when they’d been together for about a month, but I just feel like I need to over-compensate for the fact that essentially I wasn’t the first choice and in reality that can never be different.

I also read a very interesting post (http://positivejuice.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/the-real-reasons-why-people-get-jealous-and-why-jealousy-is-so-powerful/) which concerns envy and jealousy and how envy is healthy in that it can motivate you to have something someone does not whilst jealousy is unhealthy as it is the feeling that if you can’t have something no one can. One of the points it makes is that jealousy in romantic relationships is powerful in that say, if your best friend were to have another friend you are far less likely to care that if your partner was close to someone. The post relates this with jealousy essentially deriving from the fear that you will lose what you have. Relating this back to the post of me wanting to make his ex girlfriend jealous I believe that it may be that I want her to be fully aware of the loss and know that it is a permanent loss, I also feel that by flaunting the relationship I eliminate some fear in myself that I may experience the loss of my boyfriend.

I do not think that my desire to make someone jealous is healthy in any way but it seems like the fact that she was there before me and the fact that she was so close to both of us bothers me more than any other ex girlfriend of his. I just think I am insecure in that he didn’t pursue me first.

Grace x

 

Relationships: Are we being promoted of demoted? Wednesday, Sep 26 2012 

When you’re promoted to can expect the firm to spend more money on you, you can expect to be treated with greater respect and you expect to feel like you have risen in your job. The opposite goes to being demoted and this can leave you with truly undesirable feelings. Now, the same can also apply to relationships- for example when you both agree to be exclusive, have your first anniversary, move in together ect- in these scenarios you would imagine yourself to be progressing within the relationship, so hence, better presents (Okay, I think it sounds a little golddigger-ish but I’m simply pointing out the similarities between a work promotion and the length someone is in relationship for), greater respect and compromise and you feel like the relationship is evolving and isn’t stagnant.

Now, we are all aware of the changes that can happen with longevity, people become comfortable, not as much effort is thought to be needed and sometimes it can actually feel like you’re being demoted. Some say this happens after a few years of marriage and some say it’s when you move in with someone: I have a different scenario completely and discovered just how much I had been demoted yesterday…

Readers of this blog will know that my boyfriend of two years was my best friend for about 3 years before we began dating, now, during this time he was attentive, kind and considerate- it was fantastic being his friend and I noticed how he was actually an amazing friend to a lot of people. He’s a very friend orientated guy. Now, when we began dating I thought that we’d still be friends and there would be that underlying friendship in our relationship. I guess there is but yesterday I realized just how far after everyone else I come- I came after someone who he had gone to first school with (and never spoke to). I just wish that he would treat me with the same kindness and respect that he does his friends, after all- am I not also his friend? And if not, then I guess I have been demoted. Would he do this to every girl or is it just more acceptable as I’m his friend? But then, if he does it because I was his friend then how come everyone else seems to come first? I don’t understand why being a girlfriend means you get demoted in the way that you are treated and not promoted. I am troubled (I’ve been watching way too much Ally McBeal, that’s a John Cage reference by the way).

I think that you should constantly feel promoted in a relationship, however, I guess that’s just not possible so I think the most important thing to do is just make sure your partner is being promoted on the emotional level all the time because, realistically, the other stuff really doesn’t matter.

Grace x

Why is that? Why is it that you’re fine by yourself but after a relationship yourself just isn’t enough anymore? Tuesday, Sep 25 2012 

You’re fine and you’re happy, things are going right,

You’re self-sufficient intelligent and bright.

He comes along and you think, yes wow,

Things really are going my way now.

The days go on, the months, the years,

It’s subtle at first and you don’t ever realize.

Then one day he’s gone, bish bash, bagoon!

That’s when you realize how much you’re world changed, how much you’ve changed. You realize he became the glue that held you together, you got used to this glue, and even though you have the same job and everything else in your life is great, somehow it’s harder and different, you can’t keep yourself together anymore.

Why is that?

Grace x

SERIOUSLY?!?! Monday, Sep 24 2012 

Now, for the people who read my blog, you will know I am not slutty when it comes to capitals, I use them sparingly and the whole ‘?!?!’ has not even been used yet. However, now is the time!

So, I’m all casually sitting on Facebook; reading some blogs; playing some Tetris etc. etc. and begin talking to a friend of mine from university. We’re chatting about the normal stuff and I ask who’s back and he says that actually he saw one of my friends yesterday. He said that she was happy and everything with her was good but did mention that her room was absolutely tiny in her new house.

“She said I’d love her new room haha! Has she got a single bed?” Is my response.

“Yeah,” he says. “The only reason she got that room was because the other girls had boyfriends.”

WHAT!?!

That is one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard in my life! Why should rooms be decided upon because someone has a boyfriend. I mean, obviously I understand the practicalities of it (sleeping, clothes etc.) but this cannot mean that rooms are decided like this! Why should someone be punished for the fact that their housemates have boyfriends?

Also, none of the girls in the house have steady relationships: one cheated on her boyfriend and they are very on and off and the other slept with everyone last year and got a boyfriend like a month ago- surely you cannot decide a year long living arrangement on these facts! These girls lived in halls last year and all had single beds, they survived that didn’t they?!

I am absolutely astonished that this was the way to pick rooms, what happened to picking out of a hat?

Why should a single person not get the chance to have a double bed because they are single, they may even have more people in it if their into that sorta thing! And if not, they should still be allowed a double bed, I mean, your boyfriend isn’t even always going to be there so essentially you’re getting a double bed because of a Facebook status.

I’m not sure why I’m so angry, this in no was effects me but I am.

I am SO angry!

Grace x

Your mood Tuesday, Sep 18 2012 

We’re happy, laughing, there is joy all around.

Nothing bad happens but all of a sudden you’re in a bad mood

You’re miserable, quite, there is sadness all around.

The thing is, when I ask you say it’s nothing…

Am I imagining it? This shift in mood? Am I going crazy?

I’m the one who pushes you into being in a mood I think…

My insistent asking must get annoying.

Just know that I love you and I worry because I never want anything to be wrong with you- and if there is, I want you to tell me. I’m sorry if I annoy you, I know it’s ridiculously counter-productive, but I just can’t seem to stop. I don’t know why this seems to be the only thing I don’t trust you on. Maybe I’m insecure? I don’t know. Just remember that I love you

Grace x

Oh what’s this? A new catergory? (and a question of rebounds) Sunday, Sep 16 2012 

Basically, I have decided to divide my musings about things boyfriend related and those boyfriend unrelated: the reason- my blog seems to be getting a bit overwhelming and confusing with all these random posts.

I do apologies if you try to seek out some single Grace sense and find ‘boyfriend’ is briefly mentioned- he is kind of constantly around. I also quite like the idea of describing some of my single escapades.

So there, some division in the blog. I like it. I shall try to uphold it. Also, I have slacked on this question business I said I would do so I have a new one to ask you lovely people and give my answer too:

Question 7: When would you say that you were no longer on the rebound and how long would you leave someone who just broke up with someone before beginning a relationship with them

Answer 7: The first part of the question is rather cryptic, I mean, I don’t think there’s a definitive turning point and I think that even after you are done with the ‘rebound’ period you may still go out with people who you don’t actually see anything further happening with. In terms of the second part I do think it is very hard to leave someone after a break up if you liked them whilst they were in a relationship- for this reason I have jumped in to a relationship with these people rather quickly. Most of the times it hasn’t worked at all. If they liked you before the break up there is perhaps hope; but then the whole trust issue is raised. I think if you do go into a relationship with a person like this quickly- step lightly and don’t become too serious too fast.

Grace x

I really want to do something tonight… Sunday, Sep 16 2012 

I have discovered that I’m quite an unhappy person alone, I don’t know if that means I’m really sociable or just really uncomfortable with myself. I hate being alone and I hate going to bed without my boyfriend unless I’m rather drunk from a night out…again: Loving girlfriend or needy phyco?

I’m not really sure. Nothing much is happening tonight and I guess that’s probably a good thing; I haven’t read much in ages and I’m rather behind on my blogging. I can spend time with my little brother and get a really good nights sleep. I should probably tidy up too, it’s getting a bit ridiculous now.

My gecko needs some loving and I really want to have a long bath.

For now I am off to see Paranorman with my little brother- keep your fingers crossed that it’ll be good. Well, last time I went to the cinema with him (he’s 9) we saw the Lorax and I cried my eyes out. Lets hope I keep it together and it’s still a good film- having a hungover breakdown over watching Lion King with my boyfriend yesterday means there have probably been enough tears shed on films as of late!

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Grace x

 

 

Fear Sunday, Sep 9 2012 

The fear that he will leave is immeasurable,

Everything’s fine, I know I’m happy.

You can’t get into people’s heads though.

Maybe he isn’t that happy,

Maybe he’ll find someone else,

Maybe the things he says are cute will get annoying,

Maybe I’ll exaggerate a situation and break up with him,

Maybe the worrying will drive him away.

I don’t know why I worry so much,

I’ve got through it before so presumably I can do it again.

I worry that all our friends will take his side,

I worry he’ll find someone else,

I worry I’ll see him with a girl,

I worry he’ll forget and I’ll be the only one hurting,

I worry everything will fall apart.

All this could be stupid.

All this could be true.

Grace x

An interesting and confusing tea Saturday, Sep 8 2012 

Today I’ve been rather bored in the day so agreed to go to coffee with a guy who used to be a good friend of mine but has recently begun to be a bit of a douche. You see, he started going to the gym; his dad gave him mass amounts of money; his dad got him a car; he grew his hair; he got good looking- so basically life is shining for him right now. However, in groups of people he always feels the need to discuss how ‘toned’ and ‘ripped’ he is becoming and how he has so much money- this, as you can imagine, would highly annoy those of us who have eaten crap all year and have finished our over drafts. He also got a rather attractive girlfriend which made his ego even bigger and he became obsessed with bragging about how ‘whipped’ she was; how she would do anything for him and how he had even cheated on her and she forgave him basically instantly because he was her God.

Anyway, this guy goes to the same university as me but I don’t really see him much unless I’m home as we live very far away from each other at university and have completely different friends. I felt like I hadn’t really seen or spoken to him much this summer and I felt that as he was one of my best friends before university I should really have a catch up with him, plus, him and his girlfriend had just broken up.

We went for tea at a local cafe and chatted, it was actually really nice, I mean, he didn’t really brag about money and brought up the fitness thing in a minimal way. Also, his egotistical things were said with humour rather than with condescension. In fact, I had a really good time with him, we laughed and shared stories and talked about his break up and my relationship. It was absolutely lovely and I’m glad I met up with him.

The thing that puzzled me however was the way in which his girlfriend saw him. Now, I know love is said to be blind, forgiving etc. etc. but come on girl; there has to be a limit! He showed me these texts from her which literally called him her God; others said she hadn’t moved out of bed in days and others that she could never let him go and that she hadn’t yet stopped crying. Now, I understand that heartbreak is horrific but I just don’t understand why she put up with his bullshit for this long- he never called; he cheated on her numerous times; he had sex with her best friend; he had tried to break up with her numerous times; she had walked in on him having sex; he didn’t cuddle… the list just goes on!

Also, I never understand why some people feel the need to send these guilt filled and emotional texts to ex’s- now I know that it may help some but the thing is, a text is NOT going to make them come back to you, especially if they are truly pathetic ones. Also, if they do come back, would you want to be with them, you would then know they are with you out of pity.

I don’t know. I’m just confused how you could have so little self respect to allow yourself to be treated like that and then want more of it!

Also, I don’t understand why he bothered to be with her if he never liked her that much and was just going to cheat.

Grace x

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