Explosion Monday, Dec 24 2012 

Yesterday me and some friends went to a pub, my boyfriend was amongst the group that went.

He had made a pub quiz for us all to do and when the pub closed decided to carry on doing it outside.

I was freezing and made a fuss about us just going home as I hadn’t slept the night before; was ridiculously cold; and just believed the night was over.

He still continued with the quiz and insisted I stayed when I tried to leave even thought I said he could just come home after me.

Anyway, we walked home in complete silence with me putting my headphones on.

When we got home he gave me a kiss on the head and said bye- apparently he was going to his dads.

He walked off and after having a little cry on the street I followed him.
nodmdo
I think the above picture is the only way to describe what happened next…

He completely exploded about me always wanting to get my own way and being weird about him being friends with girls. He then refused to come back to mine.

It was a truly horrific night with a lot of crying and I genuinely thought we were breaking up.

Finally, he came back home.

I was so tired and a bit drunk and kept falling asleep and thinking of Pokemon during the conversation.

We fought about me not liking him being friends with girls and I said I got jealous of any girl spending more time with him than I do- he said no girl does. I said I didn’t like the way some of his friendships were.

The argument ended for him in me saying I would chill about girls and wouldn’t be so pushy.

I think this is definitely one of the most horrific arguments we’ve had.

We went to Christmas lunch at his and he says everything is fine and we’re okay and he loves me. I worry that he’ll change his mind.

I hate that I don’t get to see him till the day after Boxing Day- consequently that is also his birthday.

I’m guessing this Christmas isn’t going to be particularly great.

Grace x

It would be 1 month tomorrow… Friday, Nov 9 2012 

So, I guess I am a bit pathetic at blogging when I have something to do, I guess I have been rather overrun with university things, also, there has been crazy tension in the house I’m living in and my boyfriend and Judas seem to be getting closer by the day. I have decided to get straight back on the blogging horse though, and I’m going to get back to how things were, multiple blogs a day and days without when I can’t successfully hide what I’m doing from my boyfriend.

Anyway, I’m going to trot of and have a look at the messages I see flashing at the top of the screen and decide what my (re) debut story will be about

By the way, how do I still get views?! That’s just amazing!

Grace x

From my university room! It was a nice post…then it changed course Saturday, Sep 29 2012 

I haven’t been posting lately as I have been saying bye to my boyfriend and getting ready to move into my new house. Well, actually I’ve just been saying bye to my boyfriend and only finished packing seconds before we left- well, even that isn’t true as I have forgotten so much stuff which luckily my dad is taking over to my boyfriend’s dad’s house now as he goes to university ridiculously close to me so can pass it on in a week max. I need to get ready for my first night out here so I’m going to quickly summarize what has been going on:

  • My boyfriend pissed me off so much this morning as I was trying to say bye (yes, I know it’s only for a few days but we will no longer be living together) and he was too damn preoccupied with the fucking football and tried to have a go at me because I wasn’t letting him watch it! I just wanted a nice goodbye.
  • Judas, my ‘friend’ who I believe fancies my boyfriend is going to the same university; staying in the same accommodation; hanging out with the people in his block; is texting how she can’t wait for him to come up; is telling me not to visit often as it will distract him; is saying she will pay for all his entries into clubs and keeps being very rude to me and bloody snuggling into his bumhole! My boyfriend is too fucking obtuse to realize anything (or maybe I’m crazy, but I don’t think so).
  • I love my little room, except I can’t afford to buy cutlery…

Fuck this, we just had a fucking ‘house meeting’ and guess what, I am fucking pissed OFF, apparently I can’t smoke in the house… are they fucking kidding me?! I am not, repeat NOT going to bloody well go outside everytime I have a fag, wtf is this absolute crap! I am no fucking angry! I fucking pay a ridiculous amount to live here and I’m sorry but the first thing you do is say, oh it smelled when you smoke, I would then put a towel under my door and make more of an effort with my window. This is just a fucking joke! I am so fucking angry, also, an entire year without smoking inside, are you KIDDING me?! Fuck this. I will, in fact, smoke inside. The idea of not smoking inside for a year is fucking terrifying. I hate this house.

Grace x

Being jealous and wanting people to be jealous of you Wednesday, Sep 26 2012 

A few days ago I wrote a post entitled ‘You have something amazing, now you need others to know you have something amazing and be jealous of it!’ ( http://wp.me/p2FNrO-jt ). This post was basically how, on occasion, as awful as this probably sounds, I flaunt things in front of those who don’t have something. My most common one being my relationship with my boyfriend in front of his ex who also used to be one of my best friends.

Anyway, one of the comments I received on this post was from ‘myathiestlife’ (http://myatheistlife.wordpress.com/) who basically asked what I thought this insecurity meant and if all I was feeling was actually due to insecurity. Now, I thought that would be a great topic to write about as I was not myself aware as to why I felt the need to make certain people jealous. To begin this topic I decided to do a bit of research and found that there was actually very little about why someone would want someone else to be jealous- I guess this is understandable as the keywords took me to sites regarding how not to be a jealous person and even a few on how to make people jealous of you (these were pretty messed up sites, basically listing reasons about how to make others feel bad and how to be ‘it’, it all seemed rather pathetic to be honest). Anyway, I did find one discussion board where a woman mentioned that she felt very jealous of her husband’s friends and after feeling this way felt the need to make his friends jealous.

This really resonated with me because, when I look back, before they got together I never felt the need to advertise how much time we spent together. I think I liked him a lot more than I thought and felt the need to hold onto the fact that I was still closer to him than her. When we got together I guess I felt the need to prove that our relationship was better and would last and I know it’s probably stupid that I still feel this way after two years with him when they’d been together for about a month, but I just feel like I need to over-compensate for the fact that essentially I wasn’t the first choice and in reality that can never be different.

I also read a very interesting post (http://positivejuice.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/the-real-reasons-why-people-get-jealous-and-why-jealousy-is-so-powerful/) which concerns envy and jealousy and how envy is healthy in that it can motivate you to have something someone does not whilst jealousy is unhealthy as it is the feeling that if you can’t have something no one can. One of the points it makes is that jealousy in romantic relationships is powerful in that say, if your best friend were to have another friend you are far less likely to care that if your partner was close to someone. The post relates this with jealousy essentially deriving from the fear that you will lose what you have. Relating this back to the post of me wanting to make his ex girlfriend jealous I believe that it may be that I want her to be fully aware of the loss and know that it is a permanent loss, I also feel that by flaunting the relationship I eliminate some fear in myself that I may experience the loss of my boyfriend.

I do not think that my desire to make someone jealous is healthy in any way but it seems like the fact that she was there before me and the fact that she was so close to both of us bothers me more than any other ex girlfriend of his. I just think I am insecure in that he didn’t pursue me first.

Grace x

 

Leaving… Monday, Sep 24 2012 

Today it hit me, I’m actually leaving.

In fact, I’m leaving in under five days.

Okay, I can’t be melodramatic here, my university isn’t all that far away and my boyfriend lives but nine minutes away by train so I can’t really complain. I’m just feeling rather nostalgic, I  mean, I’m leaving my family home and I’m leaving the flat me and my boyfriend rented for ourselves over the summer. I’m leaving friends and the places we go to everyday.

I feel a bit ridiculous, it is my second year of university after all.

Regardless, change is weird. The stratngest thing about going back to university is packing up all my stuff, I mean, it literally puts my whole life into boxes. It’s odd how when these things are in my room they are, well, a part of me, the posters and the shoes which hold so many memories- in the boxes they are just things: things which could essentially belong to anyone, things which aren’t linked to a special place in my room and things which aren’t, in that moment in time, adding charecter to the world around me.

Also, when you’re this messy, packing is fucking ridiculous to be quite honest!

I’m going to miss it here and I’m going to miss waking up with my boyfriend everyday.

Also, for those of you who remember Judas (this girl, my friend I would say, who, in the least paranoid way possible, I think likes my boyfriend) is going to the same university as him…is that really necessary, I think I have enough stresses in my life without this shit!

I’ll be a big girl about it though, well, actually I’ll just be a small girl with an overdraft on all my cards due to my buying every push up bra around.

Grace x

Some pathetic facts about Grace Sunday, Sep 23 2012 

Well, I guess they can be called pathetic, my boyfriend says endearing, my friends say cute, I say it’s my way of showing affection:

  • I need to speak to my boyfriend everyday
  • Cuddles…I must be cuddled to bed every night unless something horrifically important prevents this from happening
  • If I text my boyfriend and he doesn’t reply for a while I am in a bit of a mood until he does (in fact, he just did and I felt an immediate lift in my mood and decided to write this post, also, I’m being way cool by not replying straight away)
  • If in a social environment I like my boyfriend to demonstrate signs of affection very often
  • I get so worried if we don’t have sex twice a day, I feel like something is seriously SERIOUSLY wrong
  • I love it when he wears the bracelet I got him for our one year anniversary
  • I hate it when he texts around me
  • I adore it when he runs plans by me before committing to any
  • I find it so hard to sleep when he isn’t with me, ironic because when he is I want to spend all the time I can with him but always conk off to sleep
  • Pretty much any interaction with girls annoys me to at least a tiny extent- yes, this does include my friends

I can imagine there are more but I think I’ve made people want to throw up enough for now and have probably embarrassed myself enough too.

Grace x

You have something amazing, now you need others to know you have something amazing and be jealous of it! Sunday, Sep 23 2012 

Right, you have the career you want and it’s fantastic: you feel the need to bring it up in front of your unemployed friend

You’re boyfriend is a wonder: you feel the need to bring it up in front of your single friend.

You did great in your university exams: you feel the need to bring it up in front of your flunking friend.

…And the list just goes on. Now, I cannot say that I am not guilty of this, in fact I would actually say that I am a person who does this. It’s awful and it does not portray me as a good person in the slightest but can anyone sympathize? You have what you want but you feel the need to mention it to people who don’t. I think I’m particularly guilty in the boyfriend department, I have this thing where I say things which sound bad about him (e.g. he leaves his shit fucking everywhere), when I actually mean it in a very endearing way.

Does it mean I’m insecure?
…Or am I just an awful human being?

I think I do this most to someone who used to be a really close friend of mine, she dated my boyfriend for about 2 months- they broke up and a few months later I was dating him. She’s single and her last boyfriend left her for some random girl who he had also cheated on her with for months. I don’t know why I need to slide things about mine and Jeff’s happiness, maybe I’m like a dog, marking territory and all that. I don’t know why I do it but I do, maybe I just want her to know that what they had isn’t anywhere close to what we have. I know that’s pathetic and it doesn’t matter- is this a way in which I portray us as being so much more. I know it’s stupid to even compare: I mean, 2 months to 2 years where we have been able to stay together through a whole year of university and have lived together all summer.

Maybe I’m just insecure.

Grace x

Continuation of what happens when curiosity gets the better of you Monday, Sep 10 2012 

So, my last post ( https://overthinkingmind.wordpress.com/2012/09/10/i-guess-it-was-inevitable-that-i-would-open-this-can-of-worms/ ) was all about me finding a message from my boyfriend (Jeff, if you’ve been reading) to a girl (Chelsea, if you’ve been keeping up). Yes, yes this was in a group not the two of them or anything but after my previous reaction to it I just thought it was fucking ridiculous!

Anyway, I texted him saying that I was ridiculously angry at him and he should be at mine in the morning.

He replied with a fucking ‘? x.’ How, fucking caring of him

I then told him to fuck off and said that I had just got a text from someone saying that he had asked Chelsea to stay over (yes, yes, I know, I hacked his account and that’s how I found out but I just knew if I said that the argument would turn into him shouting at me about that so I improvised, apparently someone told me and ‘I promised I wouldn’t tell him who it was to avoid drama’…I think for someone who had just come back from the pub that is fucking impressive). 

He said that he had invited a group of people (not me, how fucking lovely…all our friends are mutual). Also, something I just realised: Chelsea said she wouldn’t stay over because she saw how upset I got (what a bitch), then again, what can I expect from someone who swore on her mum’s life she wouldn’t have sex with my ex boyfriend and I found out they did within a week of us breaking up (slut). 

Anyway there were a few more texts in which I explained that he knew he hurt me before so why would he do it again and he kept saying it was in a group so it was fine.

I got bored of this and told him to ring me. He did.

Now, this phone call was just a fucking mess, he was tired, he wasn’t taking me seriously, he thought I was over reacting. It just kept getting worse and worse and eventually he had the nerve to say that he was angry with ME. For fucks sake…what on earth did I do?

He always says that I start the arguments…yes, because I don’t ever give you reason to start them!

I ended up begging him to start walking towards mine. I know it’s pathetic but I begged and begged him to start walking. He said it wasn’t always his job to make me feel better (well, if you cause the hurt, yes it fucking is) and that he couldn’t be bothered because he was in bed (yes, and I was completely awake and not in bed at 2am, really?)

I begged for ages. I even gave a lovely speech with tears and little catchphrases I know he finds cute.

He said no.

It was a definitive no.

He said I could get a taxi to his or I could go there tomorrow (that would be today)

I said no, that wasn’t the point. I had this image of us walking towards each other, speeding up and finally running into an embrace. I’d cry and he’d hold me. We would make up.

This is the first night we have ever gone to bed angry at each other in two years. 

He said he would ring me tomorrow.

I said not to. 

It was meant to be a statement rather than something he would actually do. Goddamnit I am NOT ringing him though! 

I hate that he doesn’t care.

I’m not sure what’s going on with us.

I can’t wait to get drunk today.

Grace x

I guess it was inevitable that I would open this can of worms… Monday, Sep 10 2012 

Basically, I know my boyfriend’s Facebook password, I’ve known it for a long time but have always been very well behaved as to not use this knowledge to go through his messages. 

Yesterday, I accidently unblocked my ex boyfriend when I was trying to block someone else- I was drunk, what do you expect. Anyway, I tried to block him again straight after but you have to wait 48 hours to reblock someone. Now, I don’t know how he found out so quickly that I blocked him- chance of being online or something I guess I don’t know; but anyway, he rang me and started shouting at me about not being there for him. I explained that if my boyfriend was all besties and secrets with his ex girlfriend he would be hurtling out of my window by now.

After I hung up I realised that this guy could potentially message my boyfriend saying that I had unblocked him and stir up trouble I couldn’t be bothered to deal with. With that I decided to hack my boyfriend’s account and delete anything from my ex. I would obviously tell him about the phone call and the unblocking but I just didn’t want him getting wound up for a whole day before I got to explain face to face.

There was nothing in his inbox but I did spot a conversation between him and Chelsea (if you remember her, she’s the one who always lies about drastic things, have got with my boyfriend [Jeff], and is just generally fucking annoying and slutty).

Now, Chelsea had stayed over at Jeff’s many a time before- his is a bit of a party house, however, since we’ve been dating it has only happened twice and when I found out I cried for days. Jeff knew this.

The messages between them were Jeff asking Chelsea if she was free to come over and saying that she could crash. He has invited other people. Today he told me he couldn’t go to the pub as it was his dad’s birthday, that he couldn’t stay at mine because it was his dad’s birthday and he didn’t even invite me to his!

The thing is, it’s not that I think Jeff would have cheated on me, but I just don’t understand why, after how much I cried and screamed, he would invite her to ‘crash’ at his for the night. I mean, she lives like fucking ten minutes away anyway!

I was not happy and decided to confront Jeff…

(to be continued)

Grace x

Goodbyes (and a question of trust) Saturday, Sep 8 2012 

Image

One of the people I went camping left straight after to go back to university.

Yesterday two of the guys at the pub said their goodbyes as they’ve left today.

Tonight is a big group goodbye as I won’t see most of the people there till Christmas.

Tuesday is the last time we go to the pub which we always go to on Tuesdays.

It’s that time again, the time when everyone goes their separate ways to their universities and most of them I won’t see till Christmas which is so so sad. I got rather teary saying goodbye yesterday, I mean the time we were at the pub just seemed like the typical casual night but when we had to go our separate ways home it really hit me- I’m not going to see these guys for months.

I can’t imagine what it would be like if they left and I wasn’t going to university, it would just be absolutely horrendous! At least this way it’s not like I’m getting left behind. Me and Jeff will probably leave within a few days of each other and that will be great because I’ll still get to see him but it’s not going to be living together everyday as it has been this summer which is sad. I love waking up to him and I always fall asleep so much easier and faster when he’s holding me. Also, Judas is going to the same university as him and she’s conveniently chosen to be in his block which absolutely sucks. I really hope she gets her own friends and isn’t just with him everyday. I hope they don’t have private jokes together and I hope she doesn’t feel the need to be around whenever I visit.

Jeff said he’s getting me a little surprise present before I go and said he’s also taking me somewhere.

I’m in a very remembering mood right now and I’m just reminiscing over everything but at the same time I am so excited to go back to university. I’m excited for my new house and I’m excited not to have all mutual friends with Jeff as this can get very tricky in a relationship. I’m excited for the parties and the clothes sales. I’m excited to see my university friends and to hear about their summers. Strangely, I’m also excited to do work, I feel like I have done nothing particularly productive this summer at all and I miss the 2am stints in the library.

It’s also time for my daily question to you guys:

Question 6: Do you feel you are capable of completely trusting a person, I mean, what if everyone around you was saying things about them and it did seem like they were true, is there a person you would believe literally regardless of anything people said? Do you think it’s good to have that amount of trust in someone? If you do trust someone like this then who is it?

Answer 6: Well, I would say my family, but the thing is that seems a bit irrelevant to the question as no one I know is really going to say things to my family and it’s not like they and my friends go to the same places and chat all the time. I think this question relates more to friends and lovers. I mean, I think I do find it difficult to absolutely and completely trust anyone but in my defence there has always been a lot of drama and issues in my group so it can be difficult. In terms of Jeff I don’t know if I can answer this question without being in the situation, I think that he is the person I trust the most and I do think I would believe his word over the words of others unless I had a definite reason not to. I think the point that I would stop trusting him would be if I had difinative proof, for example a picture or actually catching him cheating on me, I really don’t think I would want to throw us away because of common rumours and I would never want to think that I broke up with him for no reason. However, if these rumours did keep surfacing there may be issues, I just think that in our relationship we’re very talkative and there would be ages and ages of us talking before we broke up over something like cheating rumours. I think it is good to be able to trust people but not in a blind way, even if you love someone you need to be able to look at the situation and not just believe them because you love them but because you love them and see that they are telling the truth. You cannot be blind with your trust and give it to people who don’t deserve it, but over all I do think that level of trust is brilliant and I wish I had more of it.

Grace x

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