I wonder what it’s like to be wanted everyday Thursday, Mar 7 2013 

I don’t feel like he really wants me around I mean, sure, he’ll say I’m welcome, he won’t say no to me coming but he won’t explicitly ask me to come. It’s getting to the point where it’s a bit ridiculous now. He seems perfectly content not to see me for two weeks and, since it will be the Easter break then, it will only really be with other people except for night time.

I just want him to be the one ringing me and asking me to come over, the one who sits wondering what he’s doing. I can’t even really talk to him as it always turns into an argument and he just doesn’t understand at all- he’s felt needed and wanted everyday for over two years. I’m not sure what percentage of that can be said for me; but it’s not high.

I want to go see him today, and I know I can, but now we’re in a bad mood with each other and the pub is looking like a much more fun option.

The reception cut out while we were arguing on the phone and he still hasn’t rang back- who am I kidding, I’m clearly going to be the one that rings him, my resolve is pathetic.

I wonder what it’s like to be wanted everyday.

Grace

x

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Explosion Monday, Dec 24 2012 

Yesterday me and some friends went to a pub, my boyfriend was amongst the group that went.

He had made a pub quiz for us all to do and when the pub closed decided to carry on doing it outside.

I was freezing and made a fuss about us just going home as I hadn’t slept the night before; was ridiculously cold; and just believed the night was over.

He still continued with the quiz and insisted I stayed when I tried to leave even thought I said he could just come home after me.

Anyway, we walked home in complete silence with me putting my headphones on.

When we got home he gave me a kiss on the head and said bye- apparently he was going to his dads.

He walked off and after having a little cry on the street I followed him.
nodmdo
I think the above picture is the only way to describe what happened next…

He completely exploded about me always wanting to get my own way and being weird about him being friends with girls. He then refused to come back to mine.

It was a truly horrific night with a lot of crying and I genuinely thought we were breaking up.

Finally, he came back home.

I was so tired and a bit drunk and kept falling asleep and thinking of Pokemon during the conversation.

We fought about me not liking him being friends with girls and I said I got jealous of any girl spending more time with him than I do- he said no girl does. I said I didn’t like the way some of his friendships were.

The argument ended for him in me saying I would chill about girls and wouldn’t be so pushy.

I think this is definitely one of the most horrific arguments we’ve had.

We went to Christmas lunch at his and he says everything is fine and we’re okay and he loves me. I worry that he’ll change his mind.

I hate that I don’t get to see him till the day after Boxing Day- consequently that is also his birthday.

I’m guessing this Christmas isn’t going to be particularly great.

Grace x

Everything has a price and prices are everything Sunday, Dec 23 2012 

“You can’t buy it, but it has a price,” said Oryx. “Everything has a price.” 

-Margaret Atwood, ‘Oryx and Crake’

I love Oryx and Crake, it is definately one of my favourite books and if anyone if a fan of destopian novels and has not read it- well, I’d say run, run to your nearest bookstore or to your purse to buy it online. It’s amazing.

Anyway, tonight I found myself reaching for this book and flicking through it, just remembering reading it and how amazed I was by it- then the above quote jumped out at me. It is so applicable, I mean, of course in the destopian context it would make sense, but even now, in such a consumer concerned world, not all things with a price can be bought.

Now, thinking about it, it appears that this quote can be taken in three ways

A) You simply cannot buy certain things, for example, no matter how much money you have, you cannot buy your way into a society who is made up of those who have spent their lives there (very Great Gatsby I know)

B) Some things don’t cost money but do cost a different kind of price (sex seems to jump to mind)

C) Whatever we have comes at a price

All of these seem highly applicable. In disucssion of point A, when you actually think about it there is an endless list of things you can buy to get closer to that something you cannot buy:

– Respect: of course money can bring a degree of respect, such as you would have for your employer, however, it is not a true kind of respect as you would have for someone who is say a brilliant parent

– Love: You can try all you want, but essentially the more you throw money at love the less ‘love’ the love becomes

– Experiances: Yes, you can fund amazing experiances and do all you wish with your loved ones but me and my boyfriend has a brilliant day sitting in bed  eating one 11p noodles and 90p chicken nuggets!

In terms of point B:

Sometimes money just isn’t what people want. Think, Russia at the beginning of the 90’s- people were often paid in produce for their work as that is what is ultimately wanted. Sometimes money is just money which is essentially just paper, which is essentially a tree which cost money to cut down so it could be made into money (fascinating stuf eh?)

…And point C:

Try doing anything without some sort of concequences

” You can try to ignore the facts, but everything will always have a price, even if you can’t understand what that price is yet’

-Grace Port, WordPress.com

Grace x

There’s jizz on my bed. I wasn’t in the room. Wednesday, Oct 3 2012 

I think the title pretty much speaks for itself…however, I shall continue to tell the full story of how this scarring experience occurred…

Last night me and a load of friends went out, one of them was a housemate of mine. Anyway, we went to a party at the university students union and got ridiculously drunk, like seriously, I didn’t even know what the fuck was going on. Towards the end of the night me and my good friend, lets call him Sean, went back to mine as we wanted to continue raving somehow; this didn’t happen and we ended up getting pizza and trying to watch random shit on my computer.

My housemate soon arrived as I think she left before us but was in a different house. Anyway, she came into my room and we all watched stuff together. Then, for some reason that none of us can fathom we ended up in her room and were about to go to bed, now, this was a bit weird as it was the three of us in the bed. I fell asleep and woke up the next morning.

I was so fucking confused as she had re-arranged and tidied up her room so it was so different from the day before so when I woke up I was so completely disorientated and didn’t know where the fuck I was. However, I soon came to my senses and realized, now, I also realized that they were not in the bed, I didn’t think too much of it but did have a funny feeling. It was early and honestly I just wanted to get into my bed and go to sleep so I went upstairs to my room. Now, those of you who have read my blog about our bedroom doors (https://overthinkingmind.wordpress.com/2012/10/01/getting-locked-out-back-to-school-disco-and-being-a-lot-more-independant-than-i-origionally-anticipated/) will be aware that for some reason we have the kind of doors which lock automatically when they close. This was actually probably really lucky as I may have casually walked into my room if I didn’t have to knock to get in. When I knocked I heard voices and awkward giggling. That’s when I knew. They had done stuff in my room! I then had to do the awkward thing of waiting outside my room as they scrambled for their clothes.

Anyway, finally they opened the door and literally ran out with excuses and apologies, I just walked into my room saying this was far too awkward already and I was just going to go back to sleep. I heard my guy friend leave through the front door. I headed for my bed and was just about to get in when I saw it…the stains! There were very very clear wet patches on my bed! What the fuck!

I was in the process of being in shock when I got a knock on my bedroom door, Sean was back, he had forgotten his shoes and in the rush had simply run out of the house without them! Now, I wasn’t mad or anything but I jokingly began to shout at him about their being ‘fucking jizz’ on my bed! He said hurried apologies and ran out with one shoe on and one in his hand!

Now, I bet you’re thinking this can’t get much worse…it can.

So anyway, I’m still bloody tired and it is ridiculously early so I decide to get into bed after putting a cover over the guilty patches. I then began drifting to sleep. Now, I hate when there is something in my bed and I always move it because it fucking bugs me so when I felt something in the bed I proceeded to find whatever it was and remove it…it was my housemate’s underwear! Ugh! How awkward.

I threw the convicted underwear out of my bed and tried to get to sleep, however, peace alluded me and I ended up giving up and going downstairs. There, I find my housemate frantically running around looking for her stuff (leaving out of absolute and complete embarrassment), I flounce over to her and place the underwear I had brought down with me into her bag and go into the living room- here I find my other housemate, eyes wide and clearly dying to know what happened, I’m also absolutely killing to share my horrific story. Luckily the offending housemate leaves and we are free to gossip.

Soon after my other housemate comes down and is really confused why she heard a guy leaving my room in the early hours of the morning (I have a boyfriend of two years), so we get to tell her the story too!

Today I also remembered that the housemate who christened my bed also got with my other friend early on that night! She also thinks the affair in the bed meant a lot more than it did. My guy friend is buying me new sheets and is forever to give me drinks in clubs.

Now, the key elements of this story I believe are

A) I didn’t fucking get to christen my own bed with my own boyfriend

B) We tried to flip the mattress and found there were period stains on the other side (me and my housemate discussed which we thought was worse for me to sleep on, I’m still rather undecided, what do you guys think?)

C) The girl literally had to do nothing! I got the guy to the house.

D) She got laid and I got a pizza from him- I’m like the fucking fat ugly friend in this scenario

E) Why didn’t she simply wake me up and tell me to leave her room? She could have even said I was snoring or something, hence, it wouldn’t seem too weird.

Regardless, I do feel rather scarred by this experience and hope it befalls no one else. Also, I would really like to convey the message that I would have liked to christen my bed and if you have a bedroom in the same house as the one you are at it is ridiculously odd to have sex in another persons bedroom.

Traumatized I now need to sleep in this bed. On the bright side, I do love how things like this happen and are just damn hilarious!

Grace x

“What makes your problems bigger than everyone elses?” “They’re mine.” Tuesday, Oct 2 2012 

Yet another brilliant quote from Ally McBeal, that show should really be given for bloggers with writer’s block to watch! Anyway, this quote got me thinking…I mean, essentially, if you think about it, all the problems anyone who is reading this (and hence can get to a computer with an internet connection) really has no problems whatsoever in comparison to about 70% of the world’s population who have real problems, you know, hunger, homelessness ect. Now, even thinking about this it does make so many problems seem pointless and stupid, I mean, I worry about my boyfriend breaking up with me when there are people worrying if their children will come back from digging in gutters for food or plastic to sell. Perspective aye.

On the other hand, I do also believe that everyone’s problems are relative, I mean, for some it’s poverty and for others it’s being rejected for a promotion. I know the two are in no way similar in terms of severity but I do believe that for those who haven’t experienced true problems something like the lack of a promotion could feel like the biggest problem in the world. Essentially, feelings are relative and the thing is, you are the center of your world, hence, I think, your problems do of course seem like something absolutely tragic is happening to you. I think the reality is that you know that your problems aren’t that big in the lager sense of things but because they are yours and are happening to you, do seem like world problems every time.

Well, that’s just my opinion? What does everyone else think about the topic of problems and relativity?

Grace x

Getting locked out, back to school disco and being a lot more independant than I origionally anticipated Monday, Oct 1 2012 

1st by title and also my first issue today was that I got locked out of my bedroom…not my house, my bedroom! Basically, the doors we have for our bedrooms lock automatically if they are closed (like the typical front door), hence, when I tried to pop to the bathroom and the wind smashed my door shut I was left in the corridor (strangely our front door does not lock automatically and it needs to be locked on both leaving and entering the house). Anyway, this really annoyed me as I had a long list of things to do today. Also, I like to have some time by myself and I am not a fan of constantly being downstairs with housemates. I mean, of course they are lovely people but a person needs their space you know. Anyway, I called the landlord and he said he would be over within the hour, he then rang back to say he would be there in seven whole hours! Finally, that time has arrived, well, he was late, but luckily I have finally got into my room and am so damn happy!

I also can’t wait to go out tonight, I love the ‘back to school’ disco theme where everyone dresses up in school uniform! Also, I am quite intrigued to see what it’s going to be like, I mean, it’s a freshers event where everyone is essentially desperately trying to make friends, being a happy second year is going to be quite nice…this does in no way mean I am not going to get absolutely off the handle drunk!

Lastly, I feel very content and happy with myself. I thought I’d be a wreck being away from my boyfriend after living with him all summer- however, I am thoroughly enjoying the company of others, my own space and life in general! This makes me feel really good about myself as it is always nice to know that although you love someone you are able to function without them. I think it’s also quite healthy that we have this week apart with our friends and getting back into the swing of things…this does in no way mean I am not crazy excited about seeing him on the weekend!

Grace x

Did I pick the wrong house? Monday, Oct 1 2012 

Last night I walked into pre-drinks and everyone literally jumped up and pushed people out of the way to hug me. It was the best thing ever and it was absolutely amazing that so many people wanted to spend time with me!

Meanwhile, two of my flatmates had decided, last minute, that they weren’t going out and didn’t even bother to tell me. The one who did come left early.

I’d be allowed to smoke in the other house and the people there seem to appreciate me way more- why did I choose to live with these other people who hang about doing nothing all day and don’t seem all that bothered about me?

Anyway, they want to go to a club tomorrow but the other people are going to a different one, I’m going to go to the different one as I just think it will be heaps more fun and I won’t be having to leave when I feel my night hasn’t even begun yet!

I miss my halls from last year, they were a fucking ball! I don’t know, maybe it’s just the first few days and I’m just settling in. At least the other people only live about two minutes away so I guess I can go there anytime. It just sucks to not be comfortable in your own house.

On a brighter note, tomorrow is going to be AMAZING, and I get to go out with one of my guy best-friends who I didn’t get to see all summer and who is absolutely fantastic. Also, I’m really looking forward to seeing my boyfriend on Friday which I’m sure will be great, I do miss having him around all the time but it’s also lovely to be in a house which is mine.

Tomorrow I’m going to go do some food shopping and get myself more together.

Also, I have a gecko and well, he was car sick on the way here! How weird is that! I thought he was dying and his insides were coming out and nearly lobbed him out of the window! Luckily I realized it was vomited up worms. How odd though, I didn’t know geckos could throw up, I know that may sound really stupid but you don’t exactly expect that!

I am so excited for tomorrow! Also, I feel like I’m actually doing something with my life as I am going to sort out my university lectures and get some folders together. I am really excited for tomorrow!

Grace x

Am I an anti-feminist?! Thursday, Sep 27 2012 

Well, that’s probably a rather odd question for a girl to ask. The thing is, when I first started blogging on WordPress I found quite a few feminism articles and thought they were pretty ace so I subscribed to some of them thinking ‘Hey, yeah, equal pay etc.’ However, in the past few days I have really begun to think about the topic of feminism and what it actually means and the various ways in which people promote or discredit it.

Now, the formal definition of feminism is the advocacy of female rights to the point that they are equal to a man’s. This, I agree with. However, as I have read through a variety of feminist articles I have realized that I don’t really fit in there at all:

  • I would love to stay at home with the kids and cook my husband dinner when he got home
  • I love shaving, and doing my hair and getting all ‘girly’ for a night out
  • I would employ a man over a woman for reasons such as pregnancy leave and having to look after sick children
  • I do think men should be the chief providers of the house
  • I think this whole thing that people say about why there are more men higher up in business is completely stupid, women need to have time out when they have children so hence, men progress in their career
  • I like the idea of being protected and cared for by a man, I mean, their bigger and I cry in confrontations

There’s probably more but I already feel a mob of angry feminists outside my house! The thing is, I am aware that you can be a feminist in the most literal sense and therefore don’t have to go with any of the ideals but simply promote equal rights. However I just think that I would be a bit wary of my husband earning less than me, I mean, the balance would seem off and then he may feel he should stay home, no no, I’m staying home and he’s working, I mean, if that’s not what happened wouldn’t he feel a bit demasculated?

The irony is, I’m not from a religious background and all the women around me work so it’s clearly not some sort of brainwashing. I think it’s personal preference and, as awful as this might sounds to some, I love the fact that my boyfriend treats me like a little flower and takes charge.

Well, am I anti-feminist?

No, I believe in the core idea. As soon as any other ideologies come into it though, I’m out.

Grace x

Being jealous and wanting people to be jealous of you Wednesday, Sep 26 2012 

A few days ago I wrote a post entitled ‘You have something amazing, now you need others to know you have something amazing and be jealous of it!’ ( http://wp.me/p2FNrO-jt ). This post was basically how, on occasion, as awful as this probably sounds, I flaunt things in front of those who don’t have something. My most common one being my relationship with my boyfriend in front of his ex who also used to be one of my best friends.

Anyway, one of the comments I received on this post was from ‘myathiestlife’ (http://myatheistlife.wordpress.com/) who basically asked what I thought this insecurity meant and if all I was feeling was actually due to insecurity. Now, I thought that would be a great topic to write about as I was not myself aware as to why I felt the need to make certain people jealous. To begin this topic I decided to do a bit of research and found that there was actually very little about why someone would want someone else to be jealous- I guess this is understandable as the keywords took me to sites regarding how not to be a jealous person and even a few on how to make people jealous of you (these were pretty messed up sites, basically listing reasons about how to make others feel bad and how to be ‘it’, it all seemed rather pathetic to be honest). Anyway, I did find one discussion board where a woman mentioned that she felt very jealous of her husband’s friends and after feeling this way felt the need to make his friends jealous.

This really resonated with me because, when I look back, before they got together I never felt the need to advertise how much time we spent together. I think I liked him a lot more than I thought and felt the need to hold onto the fact that I was still closer to him than her. When we got together I guess I felt the need to prove that our relationship was better and would last and I know it’s probably stupid that I still feel this way after two years with him when they’d been together for about a month, but I just feel like I need to over-compensate for the fact that essentially I wasn’t the first choice and in reality that can never be different.

I also read a very interesting post (http://positivejuice.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/the-real-reasons-why-people-get-jealous-and-why-jealousy-is-so-powerful/) which concerns envy and jealousy and how envy is healthy in that it can motivate you to have something someone does not whilst jealousy is unhealthy as it is the feeling that if you can’t have something no one can. One of the points it makes is that jealousy in romantic relationships is powerful in that say, if your best friend were to have another friend you are far less likely to care that if your partner was close to someone. The post relates this with jealousy essentially deriving from the fear that you will lose what you have. Relating this back to the post of me wanting to make his ex girlfriend jealous I believe that it may be that I want her to be fully aware of the loss and know that it is a permanent loss, I also feel that by flaunting the relationship I eliminate some fear in myself that I may experience the loss of my boyfriend.

I do not think that my desire to make someone jealous is healthy in any way but it seems like the fact that she was there before me and the fact that she was so close to both of us bothers me more than any other ex girlfriend of his. I just think I am insecure in that he didn’t pursue me first.

Grace x

 

Why is that? Why is it that you’re fine by yourself but after a relationship yourself just isn’t enough anymore? Tuesday, Sep 25 2012 

You’re fine and you’re happy, things are going right,

You’re self-sufficient intelligent and bright.

He comes along and you think, yes wow,

Things really are going my way now.

The days go on, the months, the years,

It’s subtle at first and you don’t ever realize.

Then one day he’s gone, bish bash, bagoon!

That’s when you realize how much you’re world changed, how much you’ve changed. You realize he became the glue that held you together, you got used to this glue, and even though you have the same job and everything else in your life is great, somehow it’s harder and different, you can’t keep yourself together anymore.

Why is that?

Grace x

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