I wonder what it’s like to be wanted everyday Thursday, Mar 7 2013 

I don’t feel like he really wants me around I mean, sure, he’ll say I’m welcome, he won’t say no to me coming but he won’t explicitly ask me to come. It’s getting to the point where it’s a bit ridiculous now. He seems perfectly content not to see me for two weeks and, since it will be the Easter break then, it will only really be with other people except for night time.

I just want him to be the one ringing me and asking me to come over, the one who sits wondering what he’s doing. I can’t even really talk to him as it always turns into an argument and he just doesn’t understand at all- he’s felt needed and wanted everyday for over two years. I’m not sure what percentage of that can be said for me; but it’s not high.

I want to go see him today, and I know I can, but now we’re in a bad mood with each other and the pub is looking like a much more fun option.

The reception cut out while we were arguing on the phone and he still hasn’t rang back- who am I kidding, I’m clearly going to be the one that rings him, my resolve is pathetic.

I wonder what it’s like to be wanted everyday.

Grace

x

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Christmas is over Wednesday, Dec 26 2012 

I enjoyed the first cigarette today when I got back home from my nans house. They know I smoke and they smoke yet I don’t feel comfortable smoking there.

Kind of like sex…people know it happens but it isn’t mentioned.

Christmas was okay but I just wanted to get home, it seems that a lot of Christmas sentiments are made up really, it doesn’t feel like what happens is real. It doesn’t seem like anyone really wants to be there all that much and everyone just wants to get back to their respective houses. I think my family have branched into their own families and that’s where they really want to be.

Christmas was a lot better when I was younger. Now it’s filled with unsaid tensions.

I’m glad it’s done now and I can look forward to New Years Eve. That feels more real. That’s done with friends and it’s clear that if you’re invited people want you there, you’re not going to get an invite to a New Year’s Eve party out of some sort of family loyalty.

I don’t know if the whole argument with my boyfriend has blown over.

It wasn’t too bad this year but I am so glad Christmas is over

Grace x

Explosion Monday, Dec 24 2012 

Yesterday me and some friends went to a pub, my boyfriend was amongst the group that went.

He had made a pub quiz for us all to do and when the pub closed decided to carry on doing it outside.

I was freezing and made a fuss about us just going home as I hadn’t slept the night before; was ridiculously cold; and just believed the night was over.

He still continued with the quiz and insisted I stayed when I tried to leave even thought I said he could just come home after me.

Anyway, we walked home in complete silence with me putting my headphones on.

When we got home he gave me a kiss on the head and said bye- apparently he was going to his dads.

He walked off and after having a little cry on the street I followed him.
nodmdo
I think the above picture is the only way to describe what happened next…

He completely exploded about me always wanting to get my own way and being weird about him being friends with girls. He then refused to come back to mine.

It was a truly horrific night with a lot of crying and I genuinely thought we were breaking up.

Finally, he came back home.

I was so tired and a bit drunk and kept falling asleep and thinking of Pokemon during the conversation.

We fought about me not liking him being friends with girls and I said I got jealous of any girl spending more time with him than I do- he said no girl does. I said I didn’t like the way some of his friendships were.

The argument ended for him in me saying I would chill about girls and wouldn’t be so pushy.

I think this is definitely one of the most horrific arguments we’ve had.

We went to Christmas lunch at his and he says everything is fine and we’re okay and he loves me. I worry that he’ll change his mind.

I hate that I don’t get to see him till the day after Boxing Day- consequently that is also his birthday.

I’m guessing this Christmas isn’t going to be particularly great.

Grace x

Everything has a price and prices are everything Sunday, Dec 23 2012 

“You can’t buy it, but it has a price,” said Oryx. “Everything has a price.” 

-Margaret Atwood, ‘Oryx and Crake’

I love Oryx and Crake, it is definately one of my favourite books and if anyone if a fan of destopian novels and has not read it- well, I’d say run, run to your nearest bookstore or to your purse to buy it online. It’s amazing.

Anyway, tonight I found myself reaching for this book and flicking through it, just remembering reading it and how amazed I was by it- then the above quote jumped out at me. It is so applicable, I mean, of course in the destopian context it would make sense, but even now, in such a consumer concerned world, not all things with a price can be bought.

Now, thinking about it, it appears that this quote can be taken in three ways

A) You simply cannot buy certain things, for example, no matter how much money you have, you cannot buy your way into a society who is made up of those who have spent their lives there (very Great Gatsby I know)

B) Some things don’t cost money but do cost a different kind of price (sex seems to jump to mind)

C) Whatever we have comes at a price

All of these seem highly applicable. In disucssion of point A, when you actually think about it there is an endless list of things you can buy to get closer to that something you cannot buy:

– Respect: of course money can bring a degree of respect, such as you would have for your employer, however, it is not a true kind of respect as you would have for someone who is say a brilliant parent

– Love: You can try all you want, but essentially the more you throw money at love the less ‘love’ the love becomes

– Experiances: Yes, you can fund amazing experiances and do all you wish with your loved ones but me and my boyfriend has a brilliant day sitting in bed  eating one 11p noodles and 90p chicken nuggets!

In terms of point B:

Sometimes money just isn’t what people want. Think, Russia at the beginning of the 90’s- people were often paid in produce for their work as that is what is ultimately wanted. Sometimes money is just money which is essentially just paper, which is essentially a tree which cost money to cut down so it could be made into money (fascinating stuf eh?)

…And point C:

Try doing anything without some sort of concequences

” You can try to ignore the facts, but everything will always have a price, even if you can’t understand what that price is yet’

-Grace Port, WordPress.com

Grace x

Self-confessed Scrooge Sunday, Dec 23 2012 

scrooge

I hate do not like Christmas. I origionally thought I would go for hate, but that just seemed a bit too drastic to carry through. However, this does not change the fact that I do not like Christmas. Now, as anti-happy as this may sound, I have decided to devise a list of why I am not a fan of this holiday…

1) Pressure: So much pressure to be in a perfect family and have the perfect day with the perfect dinner and for everyone to get perfect presents…seriously? We are constantly told not too put unrealistic expectations on things, however, expecting the perfect Christmas is apparently acceptable?

2) Family: Okay, this may sounds awful…but I get bored. There, I’ve said it. I get bored. I mean, no one wants to exactly hear your stories from nights out and there is never anyone my age at these gatherings so I am a bit stumped for conversation which goes beyond ‘university is going well’

3) Presents: The line for who to get presents for and who not to get presents for is very thin. You can be considered stingy for not giving a present or you can be considered a bit odd for giving someone a present. Also, giving presents to family…they gave you that money for christs sake!

4) Drinking: Apparently everyone seems to think that after 1 glass of wine I will be off my rocker… If that was true I would be so much richer as the expense of going out would be drastically reduced!

5) Smoking: This ones probably my fault because I refuse to admit I smoke…but still, no ciggarette for two days, plus the stress of Christmas…OH DEAR GOD!

6) Agruments: Inevitable

I don’t know, I guess I just think there is too much pressure put on Christmas as it just seems like everyone is being fake on the actual day. Also, what is with the whole month of December being like Christmas? I mean, television shows, radio, supermarkers, adverts…there is simply no escape!

Also, I don’t get to see my boyfriend.

Hmm…I wonder how long into Christmas I’ll be itching to change the bit I said about not actually hating Christmas?

Grace x

Trying to get back into blogging… Sunday, Dec 23 2012 

Laziness, busyness, a feeling that there is an overwhelming amount to say?

I don’t really know why I’ve been so rubbish with the blog, I guess, the fact that I have to hide it from the boyfriend I’m living with makes it difficult, that and my constant procrastination.

Anyway, things in my world are pretty normal at the moment, sure, things have happened but nothing has fundamentally changed. It’s funny, I started this blog when I was missing my boyfriend and I seem to go back to it when I’m missing him too…

This isn’t a proper post I know, just a brief mention that I plan to be back and am off to reply to the comments I’ve been getting.

Hope everyone is well!!

Grace x

“What makes your problems bigger than everyone elses?” “They’re mine.” Tuesday, Oct 2 2012 

Yet another brilliant quote from Ally McBeal, that show should really be given for bloggers with writer’s block to watch! Anyway, this quote got me thinking…I mean, essentially, if you think about it, all the problems anyone who is reading this (and hence can get to a computer with an internet connection) really has no problems whatsoever in comparison to about 70% of the world’s population who have real problems, you know, hunger, homelessness ect. Now, even thinking about this it does make so many problems seem pointless and stupid, I mean, I worry about my boyfriend breaking up with me when there are people worrying if their children will come back from digging in gutters for food or plastic to sell. Perspective aye.

On the other hand, I do also believe that everyone’s problems are relative, I mean, for some it’s poverty and for others it’s being rejected for a promotion. I know the two are in no way similar in terms of severity but I do believe that for those who haven’t experienced true problems something like the lack of a promotion could feel like the biggest problem in the world. Essentially, feelings are relative and the thing is, you are the center of your world, hence, I think, your problems do of course seem like something absolutely tragic is happening to you. I think the reality is that you know that your problems aren’t that big in the lager sense of things but because they are yours and are happening to you, do seem like world problems every time.

Well, that’s just my opinion? What does everyone else think about the topic of problems and relativity?

Grace x

Getting locked out, back to school disco and being a lot more independant than I origionally anticipated Monday, Oct 1 2012 

1st by title and also my first issue today was that I got locked out of my bedroom…not my house, my bedroom! Basically, the doors we have for our bedrooms lock automatically if they are closed (like the typical front door), hence, when I tried to pop to the bathroom and the wind smashed my door shut I was left in the corridor (strangely our front door does not lock automatically and it needs to be locked on both leaving and entering the house). Anyway, this really annoyed me as I had a long list of things to do today. Also, I like to have some time by myself and I am not a fan of constantly being downstairs with housemates. I mean, of course they are lovely people but a person needs their space you know. Anyway, I called the landlord and he said he would be over within the hour, he then rang back to say he would be there in seven whole hours! Finally, that time has arrived, well, he was late, but luckily I have finally got into my room and am so damn happy!

I also can’t wait to go out tonight, I love the ‘back to school’ disco theme where everyone dresses up in school uniform! Also, I am quite intrigued to see what it’s going to be like, I mean, it’s a freshers event where everyone is essentially desperately trying to make friends, being a happy second year is going to be quite nice…this does in no way mean I am not going to get absolutely off the handle drunk!

Lastly, I feel very content and happy with myself. I thought I’d be a wreck being away from my boyfriend after living with him all summer- however, I am thoroughly enjoying the company of others, my own space and life in general! This makes me feel really good about myself as it is always nice to know that although you love someone you are able to function without them. I think it’s also quite healthy that we have this week apart with our friends and getting back into the swing of things…this does in no way mean I am not crazy excited about seeing him on the weekend!

Grace x

Something someone told me… Wednesday, Sep 26 2012 

Yesterday I wrote a post (https://overthinkingmind.wordpress.com/2012/09/25/why-is-that-why-is-it-that-youre-fine-by-yourself-but-after-a-relationship-yourself-just-isnt-enough-anymore/) which was basically about how before a monumental relationship you are completely able to stand on your own two feet and are completely happy in yourself but afterwards find that you aren’t the person you were before and find that you need the person you had around more than you could have imagined. It was about how you find yourself needing them and are no longer the independent person you were prior to the relationship. When I posted this one of the comments I got really resonated with me and I asked if I could share it in one of my blogs:

“Ever break a leg? After you walk around on crutches for several weeks, the day you get the cast off and leave the crutches in the doctor’s office is the first day that you find yourself reaching for your crutches before you try to get up out of your seat. It will be several days before you stop thinking about how to not get sweaty because you don’t want the bother of another shower today. It will be many days before you feel whole again.

Getting rid of your crutches does not mean your brain instantly stops counting on them.”

I thought this was an absolutely amazing comment and a brilliant metaphor which I think could apply to so many things, break ups; the end of friendships; career stumbles and more. I think it also sends the wonderful message that yes, in life you do get used to things and after they’re gone you miss them and the fact that you relied on them so much means that you don’t feel like you did after it happened- yet it also shows how you will be able to move on and how you will once again become the person who doesn’t need to reach for the thing that you felt once held you up, you will once again walk without the crutches.

This just showed to me how wonderful this site is and how amazing the people on it are and how they can comment on your thoughts and make you look at things differently and with, often, a more positive outlook. For this particular comment I would like to say thank you to ‘my atheist mind’ (http://myatheistlife.wordpress.com/) who wrote this lovely comment on my post.

Grace x

Being jealous and wanting people to be jealous of you Wednesday, Sep 26 2012 

A few days ago I wrote a post entitled ‘You have something amazing, now you need others to know you have something amazing and be jealous of it!’ ( http://wp.me/p2FNrO-jt ). This post was basically how, on occasion, as awful as this probably sounds, I flaunt things in front of those who don’t have something. My most common one being my relationship with my boyfriend in front of his ex who also used to be one of my best friends.

Anyway, one of the comments I received on this post was from ‘myathiestlife’ (http://myatheistlife.wordpress.com/) who basically asked what I thought this insecurity meant and if all I was feeling was actually due to insecurity. Now, I thought that would be a great topic to write about as I was not myself aware as to why I felt the need to make certain people jealous. To begin this topic I decided to do a bit of research and found that there was actually very little about why someone would want someone else to be jealous- I guess this is understandable as the keywords took me to sites regarding how not to be a jealous person and even a few on how to make people jealous of you (these were pretty messed up sites, basically listing reasons about how to make others feel bad and how to be ‘it’, it all seemed rather pathetic to be honest). Anyway, I did find one discussion board where a woman mentioned that she felt very jealous of her husband’s friends and after feeling this way felt the need to make his friends jealous.

This really resonated with me because, when I look back, before they got together I never felt the need to advertise how much time we spent together. I think I liked him a lot more than I thought and felt the need to hold onto the fact that I was still closer to him than her. When we got together I guess I felt the need to prove that our relationship was better and would last and I know it’s probably stupid that I still feel this way after two years with him when they’d been together for about a month, but I just feel like I need to over-compensate for the fact that essentially I wasn’t the first choice and in reality that can never be different.

I also read a very interesting post (http://positivejuice.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/the-real-reasons-why-people-get-jealous-and-why-jealousy-is-so-powerful/) which concerns envy and jealousy and how envy is healthy in that it can motivate you to have something someone does not whilst jealousy is unhealthy as it is the feeling that if you can’t have something no one can. One of the points it makes is that jealousy in romantic relationships is powerful in that say, if your best friend were to have another friend you are far less likely to care that if your partner was close to someone. The post relates this with jealousy essentially deriving from the fear that you will lose what you have. Relating this back to the post of me wanting to make his ex girlfriend jealous I believe that it may be that I want her to be fully aware of the loss and know that it is a permanent loss, I also feel that by flaunting the relationship I eliminate some fear in myself that I may experience the loss of my boyfriend.

I do not think that my desire to make someone jealous is healthy in any way but it seems like the fact that she was there before me and the fact that she was so close to both of us bothers me more than any other ex girlfriend of his. I just think I am insecure in that he didn’t pursue me first.

Grace x

 

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