There’s jizz on my bed. I wasn’t in the room. Wednesday, Oct 3 2012 

I think the title pretty much speaks for itself…however, I shall continue to tell the full story of how this scarring experience occurred…

Last night me and a load of friends went out, one of them was a housemate of mine. Anyway, we went to a party at the university students union and got ridiculously drunk, like seriously, I didn’t even know what the fuck was going on. Towards the end of the night me and my good friend, lets call him Sean, went back to mine as we wanted to continue raving somehow; this didn’t happen and we ended up getting pizza and trying to watch random shit on my computer.

My housemate soon arrived as I think she left before us but was in a different house. Anyway, she came into my room and we all watched stuff together. Then, for some reason that none of us can fathom we ended up in her room and were about to go to bed, now, this was a bit weird as it was the three of us in the bed. I fell asleep and woke up the next morning.

I was so fucking confused as she had re-arranged and tidied up her room so it was so different from the day before so when I woke up I was so completely disorientated and didn’t know where the fuck I was. However, I soon came to my senses and realized, now, I also realized that they were not in the bed, I didn’t think too much of it but did have a funny feeling. It was early and honestly I just wanted to get into my bed and go to sleep so I went upstairs to my room. Now, those of you who have read my blog about our bedroom doors ( will be aware that for some reason we have the kind of doors which lock automatically when they close. This was actually probably really lucky as I may have casually walked into my room if I didn’t have to knock to get in. When I knocked I heard voices and awkward giggling. That’s when I knew. They had done stuff in my room! I then had to do the awkward thing of waiting outside my room as they scrambled for their clothes.

Anyway, finally they opened the door and literally ran out with excuses and apologies, I just walked into my room saying this was far too awkward already and I was just going to go back to sleep. I heard my guy friend leave through the front door. I headed for my bed and was just about to get in when I saw it…the stains! There were very very clear wet patches on my bed! What the fuck!

I was in the process of being in shock when I got a knock on my bedroom door, Sean was back, he had forgotten his shoes and in the rush had simply run out of the house without them! Now, I wasn’t mad or anything but I jokingly began to shout at him about their being ‘fucking jizz’ on my bed! He said hurried apologies and ran out with one shoe on and one in his hand!

Now, I bet you’re thinking this can’t get much worse…it can.

So anyway, I’m still bloody tired and it is ridiculously early so I decide to get into bed after putting a cover over the guilty patches. I then began drifting to sleep. Now, I hate when there is something in my bed and I always move it because it fucking bugs me so when I felt something in the bed I proceeded to find whatever it was and remove it…it was my housemate’s underwear! Ugh! How awkward.

I threw the convicted underwear out of my bed and tried to get to sleep, however, peace alluded me and I ended up giving up and going downstairs. There, I find my housemate frantically running around looking for her stuff (leaving out of absolute and complete embarrassment), I flounce over to her and place the underwear I had brought down with me into her bag and go into the living room- here I find my other housemate, eyes wide and clearly dying to know what happened, I’m also absolutely killing to share my horrific story. Luckily the offending housemate leaves and we are free to gossip.

Soon after my other housemate comes down and is really confused why she heard a guy leaving my room in the early hours of the morning (I have a boyfriend of two years), so we get to tell her the story too!

Today I also remembered that the housemate who christened my bed also got with my other friend early on that night! She also thinks the affair in the bed meant a lot more than it did. My guy friend is buying me new sheets and is forever to give me drinks in clubs.

Now, the key elements of this story I believe are

A) I didn’t fucking get to christen my own bed with my own boyfriend

B) We tried to flip the mattress and found there were period stains on the other side (me and my housemate discussed which we thought was worse for me to sleep on, I’m still rather undecided, what do you guys think?)

C) The girl literally had to do nothing! I got the guy to the house.

D) She got laid and I got a pizza from him- I’m like the fucking fat ugly friend in this scenario

E) Why didn’t she simply wake me up and tell me to leave her room? She could have even said I was snoring or something, hence, it wouldn’t seem too weird.

Regardless, I do feel rather scarred by this experience and hope it befalls no one else. Also, I would really like to convey the message that I would have liked to christen my bed and if you have a bedroom in the same house as the one you are at it is ridiculously odd to have sex in another persons bedroom.

Traumatized I now need to sleep in this bed. On the bright side, I do love how things like this happen and are just damn hilarious!

Grace x

“Reasons why I would never EVER have sex with you” Monday, Sep 10 2012 

So, I was reading this awesome blog called which is basically this guy stating all the hilarious reasons why he’s single and it reminded me of a drunken conversation I had with my male friend, lets call him Jack, a few weeks ago.

Basically, Jack was rather hammered and everyone else had gone home (because we’re awesomely hardcore and they we tired- well, actually I’d arrived late as I had slept all day, had already thrown up and had drank my body weight in vodka-red bulls and Jack, well, he’s like 20 ft. so I guess it would take a lot to get him nackered from alcohol).

Drunkenly I say: “We would be such an awesome couple if we liked each other, we always have bundles of fun and we wouldn’t have the whole sex complication.”

Jack’s lovely response to this was “Oh God! I would never EVER have sex with you!”

“Excuse me! Why exactly would YOU not have sex with ME!?”

(Yes, my ego is slightly inflated. Drunk? I think I’m a bloody goddess)

To this Jack responded with a very accurate and rather long list:

– I’ve seen you throw up pink rice, try to crawl away from it, fall into it and continue throwing up.

– You think that the solution to your throwing up with a hangover is to go out and drink more resulting in an even worse session the next day

– You’ve thrown up on me

– You’ve gone to hospital because you were so drunk and tried to attack the nurse

– You got arrested for trying to beat up a 6 ft guy because he was in your way in a club

– You think that not showering for days is acceptable

– You’ve come to my house with vomit in your hair

– I’ve seen you get angry and throw your heels at your boyfriend

– You always seem to be escorted out of clubs rather than leaving them

– I once found you passed out in a bush outside my house

– Your room smells like someone’s shat in it and there’s food from weeks and weeks ago in it

– I’ve seen you running around naked at a house party when you had a period pad on

I’m pretty sure there was more but I can’t remember all of them. Bare in mind these are only the reasons he wouldn’t go out with me due to alcohol. My god, there must be hundreds more.

How do I even have a boyfriend?

Grace x

The Naked Party Thursday, Aug 23 2012 

Go on, judge a book by it’s cover; judge this post by the title: It is exactly what it says.

Now, this was NOT some kind of orgy and this party was NOT arranged this way, this is just the story of a bunch of under-age kids having a wee bit much to drink and going a bit nuts.

I’m not exactly sure when this was, but I do know I was in high school. One of my good friends, lets call him Matt, has a massive house, but slightly anal parents. However, these parents are quite frequently out or are taking a trip to somewhere over the weekend so, he has parties, huge parties.

I remember being invited and being very excited, his parties are always fantastic. He’s good with providing alcohol, although, obviously, people do bring their own, his house is massive and hardly anything is off limits, theirs a trampoline and he invites so many people.

A few hours before the party I had to trudge about thirty minutes just to get alcohol which the shop owner would over price for those without id, kind of a no id, add a few quid to the price set up. It was a shop where everyone went because everyone knew they would be served there (it’s closed down now). I don’t remember what I brought, but, by the events which I am about to describe, I’m guessing it was some pretty good shit.

I showed up in shorts and one of my dad’s tops which I’d modified and made quite funky. There where already a lot of people there as I was late to the party, as I am to most things (even though I only lived about 3 minutes away from his house). I don’t particularly remember drinking but I’m pretty sure I was rather drunk as I thought it would be a good idea to go into a room alone with Matt to ‘speak’. Now, this was a very bad idea, you see, Matt was my ex boyfriend who had been one of my best friends and we were now friends again so this next part probably wasn’t my smartest move.

We were in his dad’s office and, like we often did and still occasionally do when we’re drunk, began talking about our relationship. Things got sweet and we started hugging and making out, it was nice and it’s not uncommon for me to make out with someone at a party. We probably made out for a good while before someone walked in unsuspectingly; we jumped apart, but whoever had walked in had guessed what was going on and had walked out. I’m guessing they probably thought more was happening due to the fact that we were ex’s and for some reason I had mascara all down my face (probably from the sweet chat we just had- I’m quite a cryer by the way).

So anyway, we brushed ourselves off and rejoined the rest of the party downstairs. It was pretty much in full swing by now and I’m guessing I had even more alcohol at this point.

Now, this is where it gets fuzzy. One of my best friends was there, lets call her Chelsea, now Chelsea and I shared a love for craziness and partying. I think we were speaking about our general antics when somebody suggested that people take their tops off. Being quite drunk at the time I did so. This unleashed something weird, and I mean shocking weird. As soon as the top came off I began running around and sort of making out with ever boy in my path, half of them I wasn’t even attracted to and one even had a long term girlfriend. Somehow, during this period my shorts also came off.

A fun titbit from the night that I have been told about is that Chelsea and Matt where speaking upstairs and Chelsea, who had also made out with quite a few guys at the party was telling Matt how she didn’t want to be the sluttist girl at the party (there weren’t even that many girls from what I can remember but the ones who where there weren’t really the slutty kind). Now, I do not remember this, but, according to numerous sources, just as she (fully clothed) said that, I run past them (in just my underwear) screaming ‘WAHHEYYYY!’ Well, at least Chelsea didn’t have anything to worry about (for the time being, she got naked pretty soon after).

Now, I do not at all remember the order in which I proceeded to make out with boys in but I’ve been told I made out with EVERY guy at that party. Yes, yes, I know, not my most dignified night.

There was, lets say Lawrence, he, I think is the one I remember the clearest, partly because I think I was with him for the longest and partly because our brief tongue affair was documented all over Facebook. We made out in the garden a LOT, in our underwear, with absolutely everyone around.

Lets say Chris, he was the guy with the girl friend. Our making out session took part in the bathroom.

I made out with Matt again, or was it Chelsea making out with Matt? All I remember is both of us being in the same tiny bathroom, each with a guy. Matt was defiantly one of them (the break up was a good one and quite a while ago by the way, also the relationship wasn’t serious so it was in no way an issue if she did make out with him in the bathroom, regardless, she definitely did at some point that night).

Lets say Zack, Zack was the kind guy that no one really made out with much but I remember coming down the stairs, I think I may actually have been clothed then and him saying ‘You look beautiful’ and me just pouncing on him

Lets say Craig, he was a guy with whom I would always have the same cycle:friends, he confesses his love, awkward, friends, confess love, awkward, friends etc etc. Yeah, he was probably a bad idea.

Lets say Khyl, he gets a bit clingy and desperate when he’s drunk. I remember Matt telling me how he followed me and Chelsea around. Matt told him to stop chasing him as we would then come to him, Matt was right, at least, I definitely did.

Then there was, lets say Leo, now I had made out with a few of these boys before but never Leo. Leo was the best looking and one who did not really make out with people. I remember thinking ‘right, tonight, I shall make out with Leo’. Now, this was executed with my clothes back on, involved me and Chelsea doing a weird dance with a broom of some sort and me literally jumping on top of him (there is a very awkward picture of this as he’s still holding his can of beer behind my back). Regardless, that mission was accomplished.

There are more, but their basically pecks and I don’t really have any stories behind them. I presume I got home okay as I’m able to even document this, but, the party wasn’t quite in the past when my head hit my pillow.

The next day I went over to Matt’s to help him clean

The next day his parents got home

The next day he texted me saying he was in trouble because his mom had found the under-wire of a bra in the bathroom

That day I realised that under-wire was mine

The next day the pictures of the party went up on Facebook. I was rather horrified at my naked drunken antics, but then I saw something even more horrific, possibly the worst thing I could ever see on Facebook: Craig and Lawrence were holding me up and everyone was all smiles, at this point I was just in my underwear. My underwear was black and you could, very easily, see… the fold over wings of my PERIOD PAD! Now, I am not quite sure how I managed not to run away from home and go all Amish at this point but I did and to this day I classify that as an achievement.

Grace x