Christmas is over Wednesday, Dec 26 2012 

I enjoyed the first cigarette today when I got back home from my nans house. They know I smoke and they smoke yet I don’t feel comfortable smoking there.

Kind of like sex…people know it happens but it isn’t mentioned.

Christmas was okay but I just wanted to get home, it seems that a lot of Christmas sentiments are made up really, it doesn’t feel like what happens is real. It doesn’t seem like anyone really wants to be there all that much and everyone just wants to get back to their respective houses. I think my family have branched into their own families and that’s where they really want to be.

Christmas was a lot better when I was younger. Now it’s filled with unsaid tensions.

I’m glad it’s done now and I can look forward to New Years Eve. That feels more real. That’s done with friends and it’s clear that if you’re invited people want you there, you’re not going to get an invite to a New Year’s Eve party out of some sort of family loyalty.

I don’t know if the whole argument with my boyfriend has blown over.

It wasn’t too bad this year but I am so glad Christmas is over

Grace x

Self-confessed Scrooge Sunday, Dec 23 2012 

scrooge

I hate do not like Christmas. I origionally thought I would go for hate, but that just seemed a bit too drastic to carry through. However, this does not change the fact that I do not like Christmas. Now, as anti-happy as this may sound, I have decided to devise a list of why I am not a fan of this holiday…

1) Pressure: So much pressure to be in a perfect family and have the perfect day with the perfect dinner and for everyone to get perfect presents…seriously? We are constantly told not too put unrealistic expectations on things, however, expecting the perfect Christmas is apparently acceptable?

2) Family: Okay, this may sounds awful…but I get bored. There, I’ve said it. I get bored. I mean, no one wants to exactly hear your stories from nights out and there is never anyone my age at these gatherings so I am a bit stumped for conversation which goes beyond ‘university is going well’

3) Presents: The line for who to get presents for and who not to get presents for is very thin. You can be considered stingy for not giving a present or you can be considered a bit odd for giving someone a present. Also, giving presents to family…they gave you that money for christs sake!

4) Drinking: Apparently everyone seems to think that after 1 glass of wine I will be off my rocker… If that was true I would be so much richer as the expense of going out would be drastically reduced!

5) Smoking: This ones probably my fault because I refuse to admit I smoke…but still, no ciggarette for two days, plus the stress of Christmas…OH DEAR GOD!

6) Agruments: Inevitable

I don’t know, I guess I just think there is too much pressure put on Christmas as it just seems like everyone is being fake on the actual day. Also, what is with the whole month of December being like Christmas? I mean, television shows, radio, supermarkers, adverts…there is simply no escape!

Also, I don’t get to see my boyfriend.

Hmm…I wonder how long into Christmas I’ll be itching to change the bit I said about not actually hating Christmas?

Grace x

Did I pick the wrong house? Monday, Oct 1 2012 

Last night I walked into pre-drinks and everyone literally jumped up and pushed people out of the way to hug me. It was the best thing ever and it was absolutely amazing that so many people wanted to spend time with me!

Meanwhile, two of my flatmates had decided, last minute, that they weren’t going out and didn’t even bother to tell me. The one who did come left early.

I’d be allowed to smoke in the other house and the people there seem to appreciate me way more- why did I choose to live with these other people who hang about doing nothing all day and don’t seem all that bothered about me?

Anyway, they want to go to a club tomorrow but the other people are going to a different one, I’m going to go to the different one as I just think it will be heaps more fun and I won’t be having to leave when I feel my night hasn’t even begun yet!

I miss my halls from last year, they were a fucking ball! I don’t know, maybe it’s just the first few days and I’m just settling in. At least the other people only live about two minutes away so I guess I can go there anytime. It just sucks to not be comfortable in your own house.

On a brighter note, tomorrow is going to be AMAZING, and I get to go out with one of my guy best-friends who I didn’t get to see all summer and who is absolutely fantastic. Also, I’m really looking forward to seeing my boyfriend on Friday which I’m sure will be great, I do miss having him around all the time but it’s also lovely to be in a house which is mine.

Tomorrow I’m going to go do some food shopping and get myself more together.

Also, I have a gecko and well, he was car sick on the way here! How weird is that! I thought he was dying and his insides were coming out and nearly lobbed him out of the window! Luckily I realized it was vomited up worms. How odd though, I didn’t know geckos could throw up, I know that may sound really stupid but you don’t exactly expect that!

I am so excited for tomorrow! Also, I feel like I’m actually doing something with my life as I am going to sort out my university lectures and get some folders together. I am really excited for tomorrow!

Grace x

From my university room! It was a nice post…then it changed course Saturday, Sep 29 2012 

I haven’t been posting lately as I have been saying bye to my boyfriend and getting ready to move into my new house. Well, actually I’ve just been saying bye to my boyfriend and only finished packing seconds before we left- well, even that isn’t true as I have forgotten so much stuff which luckily my dad is taking over to my boyfriend’s dad’s house now as he goes to university ridiculously close to me so can pass it on in a week max. I need to get ready for my first night out here so I’m going to quickly summarize what has been going on:

  • My boyfriend pissed me off so much this morning as I was trying to say bye (yes, I know it’s only for a few days but we will no longer be living together) and he was too damn preoccupied with the fucking football and tried to have a go at me because I wasn’t letting him watch it! I just wanted a nice goodbye.
  • Judas, my ‘friend’ who I believe fancies my boyfriend is going to the same university; staying in the same accommodation; hanging out with the people in his block; is texting how she can’t wait for him to come up; is telling me not to visit often as it will distract him; is saying she will pay for all his entries into clubs and keeps being very rude to me and bloody snuggling into his bumhole! My boyfriend is too fucking obtuse to realize anything (or maybe I’m crazy, but I don’t think so).
  • I love my little room, except I can’t afford to buy cutlery…

Fuck this, we just had a fucking ‘house meeting’ and guess what, I am fucking pissed OFF, apparently I can’t smoke in the house… are they fucking kidding me?! I am not, repeat NOT going to bloody well go outside everytime I have a fag, wtf is this absolute crap! I am no fucking angry! I fucking pay a ridiculous amount to live here and I’m sorry but the first thing you do is say, oh it smelled when you smoke, I would then put a towel under my door and make more of an effort with my window. This is just a fucking joke! I am so fucking angry, also, an entire year without smoking inside, are you KIDDING me?! Fuck this. I will, in fact, smoke inside. The idea of not smoking inside for a year is fucking terrifying. I hate this house.

Grace x

Write, write and just write Saturday, Sep 22 2012 

I was looking for some blogging inspiration when I cam across an article for writer’s block ( http://www.underworldmagazines.com/6-easy-ways-to-overcome-bloggers-block/ ). If you scroll down you will see my title as a sub-heading within the article. It basically states that when in doubt about what to write about, just start writing. This ideology really resonated with me as I thought, hey, yeah, that seems like a truly interesting and honest thing to do. I’m not much of a planner in life and everything seems to be very haphazard around me so I’ve decided to do a bit of a stream of consciousness for this post. It would be really awesome if others commented with their stream of consciousness too!

I’m worried about my rent, I don’t want to ask my dad and it seems that it’s either going to be my boyfriend or my student loan which pays for it. I blew all my money living like a rock star last year, I guess there are going to have to be serious cut backs this year, I’m only worried about visiting my boyfriend, I mean, visiting him is really cheap as he lives 9 minutes away by train but it’s still money you know. I feel sad, I hate change, I hate that I will no longer be living with him, university means change and we have different friends there and people there are hardly going to look out for me. I think my housemates are starting to get angry with me in regards to the rent. What am I supposed to do? I’m trying to get the money as fast as possible. God I hate money. I miss my boyfriend, I hope he comes home soon. I’m hungry and I want tea and a cigarette. Oh wow cigarettes are expensive. How the fuck am I going to afford my boyfriend’s birthday and anniversary present? I wanted to take him on holiday, I love him so much. What do I do? I need more money. I need to find a way to get more money. I hate that I won’t quit smoking, I feel like such a loser. What if I quit and get fat. Oh god I don’t want to get fat.

I’m going to go smoke.

Grace x

Why cats are like ciggarettes Tuesday, Sep 11 2012 

I’m allergic to cats.

I like fluffy cats, hence the allergic reactions are crazy.

I do not like the cats without fur.

Now, fluffy cats are like cigarettes because I love them but they are clearly bad for me. They can also be rather cheap; like roll ups. However, like fluffy cats, roll ups are a lot of hassle as they are hard to make and take a lot of maintenance- it is a lot of hassle for me to put up with fluffy cats because I need allergy treatments, need to wash my cushions more often and they need to be brushed. I also look ridiculously ugly when I have an allergic reaction (runny nose, puffy and shrunken eyes, red faced etc.), I probably look ugly making a roll up due to my concentration, this concentration also continues while I smoke as I do not want it to go out or break, I also often need to suck very hard on my roll ups because they are so rubbish (I can’t roll), therefore, more ugly as my cheeks are all sucked in and I’m making a duck-like face.

Cats without fur are terrifying and expensive: cigarettes are terrifying the the sense that they are bad for you, they are also an expensive habit to have.

I now sound like a crazy cat lady.

I only have one cat. Promise.

Grace x

Love Monday, Sep 10 2012 

You seem to always be there when I need you,

When I’m bored, hungry, sad; I can turn to you,

When I’m drunk, happy, tired; I can turn to you,

I get anxious when you’re not around,

I feel like I need more of you.

When I’m alone I need you more.

I hate it when people take parts of you; you’re mine.

When I’m angry, cold, crying; I can turn yo you

When I’m excited, nervous, paranoid; I can turn to you.

You’re around when I’m watching the telly,

And around when I’m reading a book,

You seem to be able to see all of me and not judge.

The only thing is…doctors say you’re going to kill me.

I keep on smoking you anyway, oh, cigarette. 

I’ve wanted to do something like this for a while. Kind of, an on-going metaphor.

I do love smoking, I feel that it calms me and gets me through so many things.

I think it gets me out of awkward situations as ‘I’m just popping out for a smoke’.

I know I’ll have to quit whenever I get pregnant, and I will quit- I don’t think I would be able to live with myself, I mean, I’m already terrified of disabilities.

My logic is, I’m young.

Yes, they are harmful but so are so many other things.

Besides, healthy people die too.

As sad as it may sound but smoking is definitely one of the crutches that holds me up.

Grace x

10 day challenge! Friday, Sep 7 2012 

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Now, I found this on Google images as I quite enjoyed the 30 day challenge I did in about two days!

As per tradition I shall do this one in just one post! Here it goes!

Ten Secrets:

1) I liked my boyfriend whilst he was going out with my best friend, awful I know

2) I still haven’t told a lot of my close friends about a hugely close death in my family, I don’t  really like to share stuff like that

3) I cheated on my ex boyfriend of over five years (on and off) several times, again, awful I know!

4) I am hugely jealous of pretty much every girl my boyfriend talks to- pathetic, I know.

5) When I plucked my first nipple hair I felt like a Chewbacca and nearly cried.

6) I always want to have a massive accident, like death threatening just to see how people would react. Awful? Insecure? Stupid?

7) Sometimes I don’t do clothes washing or have a shower for absolutely ages- disgusting.

8) I’ve slightly thrown up on my boyfriend’s dick. Yes, I know horrific. He still doesn’t know, it was a tiny bit, I wiped it away, sent him to get me juice and febrezed the shit out of the room. In my defence I was really hungover and he pushed my head down too much.

9) I know this is horrific but I don’t think I could deal with having a disabled child. I know that is completely dreadful but I just don’t know how I would cope!

10) I get really anxious about really silly things such as my boyfriend seeming to be a bit off or a friend not responding to a text for a while, I get easily worried I did something wrong.

Nine Loves:

1) My family

2) My boyfriend

3) My cat

4) My gecko

5) University

6) Sex

7) Cuddling

8) Those websites that let you watch practically anything online

9) (I know I’m cheating a bit here but…) Friends, smoking, going out, drinking

Eight Fears:

1) Spiders

2) Getting broken up with

3) Doing something ridiculously embarrassing like peeing myself in public

4) Being shouted at and general confrontations (I hate it, it scares me and I’m highly likely to cry)

5) Cancer

6) Not being able to have children or for them to have any kind of disabilities

7) Never getting married to someone I am crazy about or them cheating on me

8) Rape

Seven Wants:

1) To get married and have a happy family

2) To have a job I extreamly enjoy

3) To stay with my boyfriend as long as I want to and as long as I love him and he still treats me the way he does

4) My boyfriend to have less female friends

5) For my family to be healthy

6) For my little brother to have everything he wants in life

7) For my dad to meet someone he loves again

Six Places:

1) London: I live here now

2) Russia: I was born here, my grandparents live here, it is still one of my favourite places!

3) Leicester: I go to university here and I adore it!

4) Furteventura (Canary Islands): The first place me and my boyfriend went to on holiday, just the two of us.

5) Ireland: Where every boyfriend and guy I’d got with before my current boyfriend had some kind of roots. This is also the place my boyfriend said we were going instead of the Canary Islands right up until we were at the airport!

6) America: Where I desperately want to go ASAP.

Five Foods:

1) Taco’s: Me and my boyfriend eat these constantly, he cooks them bloody amazing!

2) Noodles: The only thing I can make nearly as good as my boyfriend, and the only thing I can afford to eat when I’m done living like a rock-star for the best part of the month!

3) Spaghetti-Bolognese: We used to have a night for this when I was younger and I just love it! I don’t really like the chunks though, I like it meaty, with juice, and heaps of pasta.

4) Chicken Wrap: You can get these amazing ones with salad and some amazing sauce at a kebab shop near me; it’s cheap and tastes fucking amazing, I get it pretty much at every opportunity!

5) Chicken Bhuna: My favourite Indian dish.

Four Books:

1) ‘Orix and Crake’ by Margaret Atwood: Easily one of my favourite books!

2) ‘Pride and Prejustice’ by Jane Austen: One of my favourite Austen books and the one which got me into classics

3) ‘The Dutchess’ by Amanda Foreman: Brilliant book about how women were crucial to political campaigns even in the 17th century, a story with factual evidence about Georgiana, the Dutchess of Devonshire.

4) ‘Winnie the Pooh’ by A.A. Mills: Come on, a childhood classic like this had to be mentioned, such a beautiful book.

Three Films

1) The Butterfly Effect

2) The Notebook

3) Hannibal

Two Songs:

1) ‘Wherever You Will Go’ by The Calling

2) ‘Fireflies’ by Owl City

One Picture (of yourself)

I really don’t think so! At least not yet…

But here’s a funny one I chuckled over for ages:

Image

Grace x

I’m quite excited Sunday, Aug 26 2012 

I love having the house to myself ever now and then, I can watch crap television without being pestered by my boyfriend, cook up odd concoctions without running the risk of killing him and sit around doing nothing without thinking I’m being really anti-social. He’s at his dad’s tonight and I may have told him I’ll get the house in order…this is not going to happen. Maybe tomorrow. 

I can also play pokemon!

I am also so excited about picking up my little brother, can’t believe I haven’t seen him in a whole month! The money I’m getting from my grandparents is also a much welcome treat!

I shall be dancing around in my underwear to the best of the 2000’s while smoking and drinking wine! Tonight is going to be a good night!

I can also blog all I like, go to sleep when I like and bathe for hours on end! I quite fancy dyeing my hair too, one of those wash in wash out perhaps? I mean, it took me months and months to go blonde (I’m naturally brunette and am too terrified to bleach my hair so I just dyed it repeatedly) so I don’t really want to dye it anything permanent as I cannot bare to go through that process again!

I also love the London underground, which is what I shall be taking back home from Heathrow!

A game that I used to play ( and sometimes still do) is to look at one person in turn on your carriage and think what you would want to have that is theirs. This can range from a cute top, nice eye colour or awesome shoes to things like being married, having kids or being really graceful. Give it a go, it makes the journey way more fun!

Grace x

Writing Challenge: Smoking made it happen, Smoking makes her forget Sunday, Aug 26 2012 

Today I stumbled across a wonderful site: http://oursalon.wordpress.com/ where a challenge was given to write a poem, dialogue or story about a picture in no more or less than six sentences while using the picture given as inspiration. Here’s my attempt!

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The baby was crying; the baby was 12.

‘Don’t smoke pregnant’ they’d said.

She ignored them- She knew people who had.

This burden wasn’t on them however, she was the one carrying the curse.

Her partner had left, it was all too much for him, she still wore the ring.

Sitting alone she wondered, where did she get it so wrong.

Grace x

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