Pushing down on your ego is not always a good idea. Monday, Sep 10 2012

Right so everyone harps on about how you shouldn’t let your ego get in the way of things… people say that your ego should be put aside and I even watched a short documentary about how the ego is essentially everything that is wrong with you. Well… I have a rebuttal!

Your ego is an amazing thing, your ego is that little voice that protects you from having your feelings hurt. A prime example: I completely believe my boyfriend was in the wrong for inviting Chelsea to stay over at his (previous posts have been dedicated to this), however, as I knew that I had pissed him off last night I texted him saying that I was sorry if I had upset/bugged him. This was me, putting his happiness before my ego: My ego told me to ignore the cunt until he was ready to properly apologise; however, I chose to ignore my ego. I texted him.

He hasn’t replied.

Now, I know that I shouldn’t be playing these kind of games this far in a relationship but it just felt that before it was my move and the ball was in my court; I was in control. Now it’s all him and all I can do is fucking wait.

I don’t wait.

I hate that I apologised for something that I had a right to shout at him about, I hate that I care so much.

Can I get drunk yet?

Grace x

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An interesting and confusing tea Saturday, Sep 8 2012

Today I’ve been rather bored in the day so agreed to go to coffee with a guy who used to be a good friend of mine but has recently begun to be a bit of a douche. You see, he started going to the gym; his dad gave him mass amounts of money; his dad got him a car; he grew his hair; he got good looking- so basically life is shining for him right now. However, in groups of people he always feels the need to discuss how ‘toned’ and ‘ripped’ he is becoming and how he has so much money- this, as you can imagine, would highly annoy those of us who have eaten crap all year and have finished our over drafts. He also got a rather attractive girlfriend which made his ego even bigger and he became obsessed with bragging about how ‘whipped’ she was; how she would do anything for him and how he had even cheated on her and she forgave him basically instantly because he was her God.

Anyway, this guy goes to the same university as me but I don’t really see him much unless I’m home as we live very far away from each other at university and have completely different friends. I felt like I hadn’t really seen or spoken to him much this summer and I felt that as he was one of my best friends before university I should really have a catch up with him, plus, him and his girlfriend had just broken up.

We went for tea at a local cafe and chatted, it was actually really nice, I mean, he didn’t really brag about money and brought up the fitness thing in a minimal way. Also, his egotistical things were said with humour rather than with condescension. In fact, I had a really good time with him, we laughed and shared stories and talked about his break up and my relationship. It was absolutely lovely and I’m glad I met up with him.

The thing that puzzled me however was the way in which his girlfriend saw him. Now, I know love is said to be blind, forgiving etc. etc. but come on girl; there has to be a limit! He showed me these texts from her which literally called him her God; others said she hadn’t moved out of bed in days and others that she could never let him go and that she hadn’t yet stopped crying. Now, I understand that heartbreak is horrific but I just don’t understand why she put up with his bullshit for this long- he never called; he cheated on her numerous times; he had sex with her best friend; he had tried to break up with her numerous times; she had walked in on him having sex; he didn’t cuddle… the list just goes on!

Also, I never understand why some people feel the need to send these guilt filled and emotional texts to ex’s- now I know that it may help some but the thing is, a text is NOT going to make them come back to you, especially if they are truly pathetic ones. Also, if they do come back, would you want to be with them, you would then know they are with you out of pity.

I don’t know. I’m just confused how you could have so little self respect to allow yourself to be treated like that and then want more of it!

Also, I don’t understand why he bothered to be with her if he never liked her that much and was just going to cheat.

Grace x

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Sex: The day it was a challenge Wednesday, Aug 22 2012

Hello. Today I interrupt my flow of the 30 day meme to speak of the horror of trying to have sex with someone with a cast, a few hours after they had an operation.

Yesterday, my boyfriend had to undergo hand surgery to repair some nerve damage with was inflicted while he was battling some frozen chicken. He came home pretty early as he was the first to be seen, all stitched up and plastered he rolled into bed and had a bit of a cat-nap. Now, after a year and a half I am aware that after any kind of sleep I will inevitably be poked in the back by his ‘length’; I am also aware that he cannot possibly stay in a bed for over 30 minutes without starting to get rather frisky. Today was no different. Now, I was quite worried as he had just had surgery but he persuaded me that everything would be fine.

Now, since he’s all plastered and hurt and what-not it would be just him getting all the fun but I rationalized that I would keep score and make him repay me- with interest. So anyway, I slide my hands under his boxers and begin. After a while I slip under the covers and start sucking away. He’s hard and clearly enjoying it so I think ‘fine, no problem, the operation hasn’t affected anything’, so I carry on.

So I’m there, laying out all my best moves and although he remains hard nothing more seems to be even close to happening, this rather confuses me as, not that he’s quick or anything, but I’m actually beginning to seriously ache. I pop my head up, rather confused, and look at him: he doesn’t say anything and just moans slightly as a accidently rub against him: ‘okay, he’s fine, probably just tired or something’. I carry on.

After another long stint I am suddenly hit with a massive bolt of embarrassment, I stop, scutter out of the covers and begin pouting. When asked what’s wrong I very clearly point out that I have been going at him for a ridiculous amount of time and still nothing is happening. Although he tries to convince me that everything is just fine, I am still not impressed.

Then, something odd happens, he begins to pull me on top of him, now, I was not expecting any kind of sexual interaction to happen on my side for quite some time so am quite taken a back! First I tell him I’m worried because of the operation and I don’t want anything bad to happen, but he finally gets his way and I’m bouncing around on top of him.

Now, most of his arm is in a cast. If you have never experienced sex with someone with a crutch, let me tell you, it is hilarious and kind of weird. It’s hilarious because the cast is bouncing around and is so stiff it just doesn’t seem to belong in the situation, also, its quite funny to watch him battle with his reactions to put his arm on me. It’s weird because when he did I almost freaked out from the feel of the cast, also, I was constantly rather nervous about him.

So, sex. Still having sex. STILL having sex. Grace: 2, Jeff: (still) o.

This is when I get panicky, what is wrong with him, I’ve come twice and he’s on 0! This is ridiculous, I must be rubbish! Luckily, he finally accepts its not going to happen and leaves me alone about carrying on.

I try to rationalise this with his operation but to be honest, I consider that quite an ordeal and mope quite a lot afterwards.

Luckily, this story has a happy ending quite late that night. My ego patched, I drifted into a happy sleep; vowing to not to have sexual contact with anyone after an operation again, simply too traumatic.

Grace x

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