Amazing sleep, horrific dream Monday, Sep 17 2012

I rarely have such brilliant sleeps when my boyfriend isn’t around (pathetic I know), but today- wow, I feel refreshed, rested, happy. Excellent sleep all in all.

However, the dream was not so perfect. Now, I’ve heard various things about having bad dreams about someone you’re in a relationship with; some say it demonstrates your insecurities, others say that if you are truly in love you don’t have good dreams about your partner. I don’t know.

Anyway, I have never had a good dream about my boyfriend – Ever:

He has left me to be raped in a park by someone with no hands because he was too busy snogging his ex-girlfriend and he has cheated on me numerous times. Am I really that insecure?

Now, yesterday’s dream is still vivid in my mind:

Me and my boyfriend were somewhere, I think the pub or something, with a load of friends. We got bored as the night wore on and decided to go clubbing. I think pretty much everyone except for my boyfriend and maybe a friend of his or two came to mine for pre-drinks and to get ready. Chelsea was there and was blabbering on about how she wanted to be a better person (I assumed she wouldn’t tell anymore ridiculous lies), she said she would do this by stopping her lies (hurray)! She then told me she wanted to speak to me and took me upstairs to my old bedroom and told me SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH JEFF! She was in love with my boyfriend, what the fuck! I ran out of the room and began trying to call him, no reply. He was meant to meet us as the club so wasn’t as flustered as I could have been. However, with time I became more and more annoyed and one of his friends had to work on calming me down.

I don’t remember if anything else happened or when the dream actually stopped. It felt so vivid and real.

Well, at least it’s not exactly the worst dream I’ve had about my boyfriend!

Grace x

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I guess it was inevitable that I would open this can of worms… Monday, Sep 10 2012

Basically, I know my boyfriend’s Facebook password, I’ve known it for a long time but have always been very well behaved as to not use this knowledge to go through his messages. 

Yesterday, I accidently unblocked my ex boyfriend when I was trying to block someone else- I was drunk, what do you expect. Anyway, I tried to block him again straight after but you have to wait 48 hours to reblock someone. Now, I don’t know how he found out so quickly that I blocked him- chance of being online or something I guess I don’t know; but anyway, he rang me and started shouting at me about not being there for him. I explained that if my boyfriend was all besties and secrets with his ex girlfriend he would be hurtling out of my window by now.

After I hung up I realised that this guy could potentially message my boyfriend saying that I had unblocked him and stir up trouble I couldn’t be bothered to deal with. With that I decided to hack my boyfriend’s account and delete anything from my ex. I would obviously tell him about the phone call and the unblocking but I just didn’t want him getting wound up for a whole day before I got to explain face to face.

There was nothing in his inbox but I did spot a conversation between him and Chelsea (if you remember her, she’s the one who always lies about drastic things, have got with my boyfriend [Jeff], and is just generally fucking annoying and slutty).

Now, Chelsea had stayed over at Jeff’s many a time before- his is a bit of a party house, however, since we’ve been dating it has only happened twice and when I found out I cried for days. Jeff knew this.

The messages between them were Jeff asking Chelsea if she was free to come over and saying that she could crash. He has invited other people. Today he told me he couldn’t go to the pub as it was his dad’s birthday, that he couldn’t stay at mine because it was his dad’s birthday and he didn’t even invite me to his!

The thing is, it’s not that I think Jeff would have cheated on me, but I just don’t understand why, after how much I cried and screamed, he would invite her to ‘crash’ at his for the night. I mean, she lives like fucking ten minutes away anyway!

I was not happy and decided to confront Jeff…

(to be continued)

Grace x

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An interesting and confusing tea Saturday, Sep 8 2012

Today I’ve been rather bored in the day so agreed to go to coffee with a guy who used to be a good friend of mine but has recently begun to be a bit of a douche. You see, he started going to the gym; his dad gave him mass amounts of money; his dad got him a car; he grew his hair; he got good looking- so basically life is shining for him right now. However, in groups of people he always feels the need to discuss how ‘toned’ and ‘ripped’ he is becoming and how he has so much money- this, as you can imagine, would highly annoy those of us who have eaten crap all year and have finished our over drafts. He also got a rather attractive girlfriend which made his ego even bigger and he became obsessed with bragging about how ‘whipped’ she was; how she would do anything for him and how he had even cheated on her and she forgave him basically instantly because he was her God.

Anyway, this guy goes to the same university as me but I don’t really see him much unless I’m home as we live very far away from each other at university and have completely different friends. I felt like I hadn’t really seen or spoken to him much this summer and I felt that as he was one of my best friends before university I should really have a catch up with him, plus, him and his girlfriend had just broken up.

We went for tea at a local cafe and chatted, it was actually really nice, I mean, he didn’t really brag about money and brought up the fitness thing in a minimal way. Also, his egotistical things were said with humour rather than with condescension. In fact, I had a really good time with him, we laughed and shared stories and talked about his break up and my relationship. It was absolutely lovely and I’m glad I met up with him.

The thing that puzzled me however was the way in which his girlfriend saw him. Now, I know love is said to be blind, forgiving etc. etc. but come on girl; there has to be a limit! He showed me these texts from her which literally called him her God; others said she hadn’t moved out of bed in days and others that she could never let him go and that she hadn’t yet stopped crying. Now, I understand that heartbreak is horrific but I just don’t understand why she put up with his bullshit for this long- he never called; he cheated on her numerous times; he had sex with her best friend; he had tried to break up with her numerous times; she had walked in on him having sex; he didn’t cuddle… the list just goes on!

Also, I never understand why some people feel the need to send these guilt filled and emotional texts to ex’s- now I know that it may help some but the thing is, a text is NOT going to make them come back to you, especially if they are truly pathetic ones. Also, if they do come back, would you want to be with them, you would then know they are with you out of pity.

I don’t know. I’m just confused how you could have so little self respect to allow yourself to be treated like that and then want more of it!

Also, I don’t understand why he bothered to be with her if he never liked her that much and was just going to cheat.

Grace x

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Goodbyes (and a question of trust) Saturday, Sep 8 2012

One of the people I went camping left straight after to go back to university.

Yesterday two of the guys at the pub said their goodbyes as they’ve left today.

Tonight is a big group goodbye as I won’t see most of the people there till Christmas.

Tuesday is the last time we go to the pub which we always go to on Tuesdays.

It’s that time again, the time when everyone goes their separate ways to their universities and most of them I won’t see till Christmas which is so so sad. I got rather teary saying goodbye yesterday, I mean the time we were at the pub just seemed like the typical casual night but when we had to go our separate ways home it really hit me- I’m not going to see these guys for months.

I can’t imagine what it would be like if they left and I wasn’t going to university, it would just be absolutely horrendous! At least this way it’s not like I’m getting left behind. Me and Jeff will probably leave within a few days of each other and that will be great because I’ll still get to see him but it’s not going to be living together everyday as it has been this summer which is sad. I love waking up to him and I always fall asleep so much easier and faster when he’s holding me. Also, Judas is going to the same university as him and she’s conveniently chosen to be in his block which absolutely sucks. I really hope she gets her own friends and isn’t just with him everyday. I hope they don’t have private jokes together and I hope she doesn’t feel the need to be around whenever I visit.

Jeff said he’s getting me a little surprise present before I go and said he’s also taking me somewhere.

I’m in a very remembering mood right now and I’m just reminiscing over everything but at the same time I am so excited to go back to university. I’m excited for my new house and I’m excited not to have all mutual friends with Jeff as this can get very tricky in a relationship. I’m excited for the parties and the clothes sales. I’m excited to see my university friends and to hear about their summers. Strangely, I’m also excited to do work, I feel like I have done nothing particularly productive this summer at all and I miss the 2am stints in the library.

It’s also time for my daily question to you guys:

Question 6: Do you feel you are capable of completely trusting a person, I mean, what if everyone around you was saying things about them and it did seem like they were true, is there a person you would believe literally regardless of anything people said? Do you think it’s good to have that amount of trust in someone? If you do trust someone like this then who is it?

Answer 6: Well, I would say my family, but the thing is that seems a bit irrelevant to the question as no one I know is really going to say things to my family and it’s not like they and my friends go to the same places and chat all the time. I think this question relates more to friends and lovers. I mean, I think I do find it difficult to absolutely and completely trust anyone but in my defence there has always been a lot of drama and issues in my group so it can be difficult. In terms of Jeff I don’t know if I can answer this question without being in the situation, I think that he is the person I trust the most and I do think I would believe his word over the words of others unless I had a definite reason not to. I think the point that I would stop trusting him would be if I had difinative proof, for example a picture or actually catching him cheating on me, I really don’t think I would want to throw us away because of common rumours and I would never want to think that I broke up with him for no reason. However, if these rumours did keep surfacing there may be issues, I just think that in our relationship we’re very talkative and there would be ages and ages of us talking before we broke up over something like cheating rumours. I think it is good to be able to trust people but not in a blind way, even if you love someone you need to be able to look at the situation and not just believe them because you love them but because you love them and see that they are telling the truth. You cannot be blind with your trust and give it to people who don’t deserve it, but over all I do think that level of trust is brilliant and I wish I had more of it.

Grace x

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10 day challenge! Friday, Sep 7 2012

Now, I found this on Google images as I quite enjoyed the 30 day challenge I did in about two days!

As per tradition I shall do this one in just one post! Here it goes!

Ten Secrets:

1) I liked my boyfriend whilst he was going out with my best friend, awful I know

2) I still haven’t told a lot of my close friends about a hugely close death in my family, I don’t  really like to share stuff like that

3) I cheated on my ex boyfriend of over five years (on and off) several times, again, awful I know!

4) I am hugely jealous of pretty much every girl my boyfriend talks to- pathetic, I know.

5) When I plucked my first nipple hair I felt like a Chewbacca and nearly cried.

6) I always want to have a massive accident, like death threatening just to see how people would react. Awful? Insecure? Stupid?

7) Sometimes I don’t do clothes washing or have a shower for absolutely ages- disgusting.

8) I’ve slightly thrown up on my boyfriend’s dick. Yes, I know horrific. He still doesn’t know, it was a tiny bit, I wiped it away, sent him to get me juice and febrezed the shit out of the room. In my defence I was really hungover and he pushed my head down too much.

9) I know this is horrific but I don’t think I could deal with having a disabled child. I know that is completely dreadful but I just don’t know how I would cope!

10) I get really anxious about really silly things such as my boyfriend seeming to be a bit off or a friend not responding to a text for a while, I get easily worried I did something wrong.

Nine Loves:

1) My family

2) My boyfriend

3) My cat

4) My gecko

5) University

6) Sex

7) Cuddling

8) Those websites that let you watch practically anything online

9) (I know I’m cheating a bit here but…) Friends, smoking, going out, drinking

Eight Fears:

1) Spiders

2) Getting broken up with

3) Doing something ridiculously embarrassing like peeing myself in public

4) Being shouted at and general confrontations (I hate it, it scares me and I’m highly likely to cry)

5) Cancer

6) Not being able to have children or for them to have any kind of disabilities

7) Never getting married to someone I am crazy about or them cheating on me

8) Rape

Seven Wants:

1) To get married and have a happy family

2) To have a job I extreamly enjoy

3) To stay with my boyfriend as long as I want to and as long as I love him and he still treats me the way he does

4) My boyfriend to have less female friends

5) For my family to be healthy

6) For my little brother to have everything he wants in life

7) For my dad to meet someone he loves again

Six Places:

1) London: I live here now

2) Russia: I was born here, my grandparents live here, it is still one of my favourite places!

3) Leicester: I go to university here and I adore it!

4) Furteventura (Canary Islands): The first place me and my boyfriend went to on holiday, just the two of us.

5) Ireland: Where every boyfriend and guy I’d got with before my current boyfriend had some kind of roots. This is also the place my boyfriend said we were going instead of the Canary Islands right up until we were at the airport!

6) America: Where I desperately want to go ASAP.

Five Foods:

1) Taco’s: Me and my boyfriend eat these constantly, he cooks them bloody amazing!

2) Noodles: The only thing I can make nearly as good as my boyfriend, and the only thing I can afford to eat when I’m done living like a rock-star for the best part of the month!

3) Spaghetti-Bolognese: We used to have a night for this when I was younger and I just love it! I don’t really like the chunks though, I like it meaty, with juice, and heaps of pasta.

4) Chicken Wrap: You can get these amazing ones with salad and some amazing sauce at a kebab shop near me; it’s cheap and tastes fucking amazing, I get it pretty much at every opportunity!

5) Chicken Bhuna: My favourite Indian dish.

Four Books:

1) ‘Orix and Crake’ by Margaret Atwood: Easily one of my favourite books!

2) ‘Pride and Prejustice’ by Jane Austen: One of my favourite Austen books and the one which got me into classics

3) ‘The Dutchess’ by Amanda Foreman: Brilliant book about how women were crucial to political campaigns even in the 17th century, a story with factual evidence about Georgiana, the Dutchess of Devonshire.

4) ‘Winnie the Pooh’ by A.A. Mills: Come on, a childhood classic like this had to be mentioned, such a beautiful book.

Three Films

1) The Butterfly Effect

2) The Notebook

3) Hannibal

Two Songs:

1) ‘Wherever You Will Go’ by The Calling

2) ‘Fireflies’ by Owl City

One Picture (of yourself)

I really don’t think so! At least not yet…

But here’s a funny one I chuckled over for ages:

Grace x

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The story of the beginning Thursday, Sep 6 2012

So, I’ve mentioned my boyfriend quite a lot in this blog, I have also mentioned that he used to be my best friend, I have also said once that he went out with my other best friend before me. I said I’d explain this so here it goes.

I met my boyfriend (calling him Jeff) the day everyone got their GCSE results (so I had just finished year 11). I knew of him before as one of my friends had dated his brother for quite a while a year or so before this. I had never met him and didn’t talk to him that much the day we met- although I did steal some beer from him! I knew my best friend, lets call her Susan, quite liked him and had kissed him at a bbq that he was at a few weeks ago. Anyway, that was the day we met.

The second time I met him he picked me up from my house (I’m not really sure why) to go drinking in a park with a load of friends, we were there before everyone else and started playing a drinking game by drinking whoever got the lowest number on the dice we were throwing (well, not really throwing, the dice was on his phone). I kept loosing- a hint at what the relationship we would have would be like (he wins fucking everything). I got drunk and tried to get off with him and his best friend. I managed to get off with him, get him topless and alone and in my drunken state asked him who was better looking, me or Susan- he didn’t reply. This is a truly cringey episode! I mean I totally jumped him, tried to strip him down and asked him awkward questions! How could I ever face him again?

The next day the friend who had dated his brother tried to interrogate him about what happened (bare in mind she had already tried to set us up and after looking at my Facebook he was like urrhhh nah) and he seemed rather funny about it.

Anyway, after this we somehow managed to become really good friends, he was free to get off with whoever, I went out with a lot of his friends, we chilled, meshed, got drunk together, went for dinners…it was an amazing time.

Crunch time came when he drunkenly let out that he fancied someone in the group (this was about a year later by the way). Everyone thought it was me. He let it drag on and on. It turned out to be Susan. He asked her out and she said yes. I knew I was kind of upset.

I know I didn’t exactly help their relationship very much at all, and I know I was a pretty shitty friend. I mean, I spent all my time with him, we hung out way more than she did, he ditched her to hang out with me and we even played strip poker. He eventually broke up with her because she started shouting at me for being too close to him. I don’t blame her, if he was the way he was with me with someone else now I would be running for the fucking hills!

They broke up, we remained ridiculously close. Throughout our friendship I had been on and off with a ridiculously jealous boyfriend who hated Jeff. I was going out with him when Jeff first kissed me. We were drunk on Sambuca. He told me he thought he might like me.

This started a strange line of affairs where neither of us could decide if we wanted to be together.

Jeff asked me to go out with him on Valentines day. He spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds that day, that’s when I had to tell Susan.

It was awkward, she said she was okay with it but then said she felt like Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ song…that is NOT an ‘I’m okay with it’ song.

I carried on seeing him, nearly two years together now. I know I made the right decision, it may sound bitchy and it may sound harsh but I wanted to be with him, they weren’t and I know you’re not meant to go out with you’re best friend’s ex but what if you just can’t help yourself. I can’t imagine this year without him, he’s amazing, he yanked me out of an abusive relationship and he is still my best friend. I want to say sorry to Susan but I don’t know what I’m really sorry for, I’m sorry that I hurt her and I’m sorry our friendship can never be the same.

On a brighter note, I am back to doing my questions!

So…

Question 4: If you wanted to have children and you’re partner didn’t would that be a deal breaker for you?

Answer: Definately a yes, I have always pictured children in my future and I don’t think I would be happy to not have children, I don’t think I could ever love someone as much as a child and therefore no man would be worthy of making me change my mind.  I think I do really need children when I’m older and I want to be a mother. I wouldn’t let anyone take this away. Obviously this is different for everyone but I personally would walk away if someone didn’t see children in our future (not at this age, I mean I don’t want children now and I would date someone who didn’t want children but in terms of serious relationships and particularly when I’m older I would need to be with someone who wanted kids)

Grace x

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Off to PARTAYYYY Saturday, Sep 1 2012

Today we’re going for a bar crawl and I’m actually quite excited for it, this is especially because last night’s drunk escapades were, to be honest, completely shit!

I really want a good night, I want a night without drama but which isn’t boring.

I want a night where me and my boyfriend are happy and loving drunks together.

I want gossip and I want something to happen which doesn’t involve me (selfish?).

I am so late! I still need to shower, shave and get ready. I should probably fuck off WordPress and get on it! Blogging is so bloody addictive!

Is it just me or is getting ready for a night out amazing!

Also, I want to start getting more interactive with blogging, so, for every post I shall ask a completely unrelated but (hopefully) interesting question that people can answer, I shall also post mine 🙂

(Sits with crossed fingers hoping people actually reply)

Question 1: Would you ever stay with someone who cheated on you?

Answer 1: I think this heavily depends of a lot of circumstantial elements: how long were you with them? Who did they cheat on you with? Was it pre-meditated? Why did they cheat on you? What did the cheating consist of? Was there more of a connection than just a sexual act? Do I feel they would do it again? How many times? How did I find out? I think the answers to a lot of these questions would be the ones who made the decision for me, the thing is, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to be able to maintain a relationship with someone who cheated on me and I think that there would be little point in carrying on the relationship if I didn’t fully forgive them and made jibes about it after we had spoken about it. I think forgiving is an extreamly difficult task. I guess it would boil down to whether I loved and trusted them to carry on the relationship. I also think this is a very difficult question to answer if you are not currently in the situation.

Grace x

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The Naked Party Thursday, Aug 23 2012

Go on, judge a book by it’s cover; judge this post by the title: It is exactly what it says.

Now, this was NOT some kind of orgy and this party was NOT arranged this way, this is just the story of a bunch of under-age kids having a wee bit much to drink and going a bit nuts.

I’m not exactly sure when this was, but I do know I was in high school. One of my good friends, lets call him Matt, has a massive house, but slightly anal parents. However, these parents are quite frequently out or are taking a trip to somewhere over the weekend so, he has parties, huge parties.

I remember being invited and being very excited, his parties are always fantastic. He’s good with providing alcohol, although, obviously, people do bring their own, his house is massive and hardly anything is off limits, theirs a trampoline and he invites so many people.

A few hours before the party I had to trudge about thirty minutes just to get alcohol which the shop owner would over price for those without id, kind of a no id, add a few quid to the price set up. It was a shop where everyone went because everyone knew they would be served there (it’s closed down now). I don’t remember what I brought, but, by the events which I am about to describe, I’m guessing it was some pretty good shit.

I showed up in shorts and one of my dad’s tops which I’d modified and made quite funky. There where already a lot of people there as I was late to the party, as I am to most things (even though I only lived about 3 minutes away from his house). I don’t particularly remember drinking but I’m pretty sure I was rather drunk as I thought it would be a good idea to go into a room alone with Matt to ‘speak’. Now, this was a very bad idea, you see, Matt was my ex boyfriend who had been one of my best friends and we were now friends again so this next part probably wasn’t my smartest move.

We were in his dad’s office and, like we often did and still occasionally do when we’re drunk, began talking about our relationship. Things got sweet and we started hugging and making out, it was nice and it’s not uncommon for me to make out with someone at a party. We probably made out for a good while before someone walked in unsuspectingly; we jumped apart, but whoever had walked in had guessed what was going on and had walked out. I’m guessing they probably thought more was happening due to the fact that we were ex’s and for some reason I had mascara all down my face (probably from the sweet chat we just had- I’m quite a cryer by the way).

So anyway, we brushed ourselves off and rejoined the rest of the party downstairs. It was pretty much in full swing by now and I’m guessing I had even more alcohol at this point.

Now, this is where it gets fuzzy. One of my best friends was there, lets call her Chelsea, now Chelsea and I shared a love for craziness and partying. I think we were speaking about our general antics when somebody suggested that people take their tops off. Being quite drunk at the time I did so. This unleashed something weird, and I mean shocking weird. As soon as the top came off I began running around and sort of making out with ever boy in my path, half of them I wasn’t even attracted to and one even had a long term girlfriend. Somehow, during this period my shorts also came off.

A fun titbit from the night that I have been told about is that Chelsea and Matt where speaking upstairs and Chelsea, who had also made out with quite a few guys at the party was telling Matt how she didn’t want to be the sluttist girl at the party (there weren’t even that many girls from what I can remember but the ones who where there weren’t really the slutty kind). Now, I do not remember this, but, according to numerous sources, just as she (fully clothed) said that, I run past them (in just my underwear) screaming ‘WAHHEYYYY!’ Well, at least Chelsea didn’t have anything to worry about (for the time being, she got naked pretty soon after).

Now, I do not at all remember the order in which I proceeded to make out with boys in but I’ve been told I made out with EVERY guy at that party. Yes, yes, I know, not my most dignified night.

There was, lets say Lawrence, he, I think is the one I remember the clearest, partly because I think I was with him for the longest and partly because our brief tongue affair was documented all over Facebook. We made out in the garden a LOT, in our underwear, with absolutely everyone around.

Lets say Chris, he was the guy with the girl friend. Our making out session took part in the bathroom.

I made out with Matt again, or was it Chelsea making out with Matt? All I remember is both of us being in the same tiny bathroom, each with a guy. Matt was defiantly one of them (the break up was a good one and quite a while ago by the way, also the relationship wasn’t serious so it was in no way an issue if she did make out with him in the bathroom, regardless, she definitely did at some point that night).

Lets say Zack, Zack was the kind guy that no one really made out with much but I remember coming down the stairs, I think I may actually have been clothed then and him saying ‘You look beautiful’ and me just pouncing on him

Lets say Craig, he was a guy with whom I would always have the same cycle:friends, he confesses his love, awkward, friends, confess love, awkward, friends etc etc. Yeah, he was probably a bad idea.

Lets say Khyl, he gets a bit clingy and desperate when he’s drunk. I remember Matt telling me how he followed me and Chelsea around. Matt told him to stop chasing him as we would then come to him, Matt was right, at least, I definitely did.

Then there was, lets say Leo, now I had made out with a few of these boys before but never Leo. Leo was the best looking and one who did not really make out with people. I remember thinking ‘right, tonight, I shall make out with Leo’. Now, this was executed with my clothes back on, involved me and Chelsea doing a weird dance with a broom of some sort and me literally jumping on top of him (there is a very awkward picture of this as he’s still holding his can of beer behind my back). Regardless, that mission was accomplished.

There are more, but their basically pecks and I don’t really have any stories behind them. I presume I got home okay as I’m able to even document this, but, the party wasn’t quite in the past when my head hit my pillow.

The next day I went over to Matt’s to help him clean

The next day his parents got home

The next day he texted me saying he was in trouble because his mom had found the under-wire of a bra in the bathroom

That day I realised that under-wire was mine

The next day the pictures of the party went up on Facebook. I was rather horrified at my naked drunken antics, but then I saw something even more horrific, possibly the worst thing I could ever see on Facebook: Craig and Lawrence were holding me up and everyone was all smiles, at this point I was just in my underwear. My underwear was black and you could, very easily, see… the fold over wings of my PERIOD PAD! Now, I am not quite sure how I managed not to run away from home and go all Amish at this point but I did and to this day I classify that as an achievement.

Grace x

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